NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

As the civil case against him approaches, Prince Andrew’s claims that he is unable to sweat are put to the test – every time the doorbell goes.

Newly ennobled health chief Jenny Harries says she deserves her damehood for her success in keeping down the number of people testing positive for Covid – thanks to her brilliant strategy of making sure there are no tests available.

TUESDAY

As coronavirus overflow tents go up in NHS car parks across the UK, Boris Johnson declares that they all count as ‘new hospitals’ under his manifesto pledge.

Meanwhile, the cost of the Nightingale scheme is put at £12billion a week for each site. Not to run them – just lost income from the nurses who had to pay to park there.

WEDNESDAY

Researchers who concluded that King Richard III wasn’t guilty of killing the Princes in the Tower say they were just acting on a hunch.

Following the suggestion that every office should have a ‘menopause tsar’, bosses are initially cold about the idea, before warming to it very suddenly and inexplicably.

THURSDAY

IKEA bosses blame raw material costs for the fact prices are rising by up to 50 per cent, saying: ‘Wood doesn’t grow on trees, you know…’

The fourth Ashes test starts in Sydney after the England team clear their Covid tests – proving they just can’t catch anything.

FRIDAY

Neighbourhood pets show their delight as

New Year’s Eve fireworks enter their seventh terrifying night.

The ‘psycho’ squirrel who attacked 18 people in a small Welsh village escapes its RSPCA cage. Sadly, we can’t think of acorny joke to go with the story…