NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

After Cabinet Ministers tell Boris Johnson he’s ‘drinking in the lastchance saloon’, the Prime Minister insists it’s an office meeting room, and he will only be able to confirm whether he’s drinking or not when Sue Gray finishes her inquiry.

But in a truly surprising revelation, Ms Gray discovers a day during lockdown when No 10 staff weren’t utterly hammered on booze at their desks.

TUESDAY

It’s revealed that Prince Andrew didn’t quite lose all his titles last week, and is still allowed to use the official designation ‘Randy Andy’.

Nevertheless, the egotist formerly known as Prince finally realises he’s in real trouble when Michael Fabricant pops up on TV to support him.

Novak Djokovic gets knocked out of the Australian Open after missing two shots: AstraZeneca and Pfizer.

WEDNESDAY

The rail engineers who uncovered on the HS2 route a ruined, primitive settlement that had been forgotten for centuries are gutted to discover it’s actually Coventry.

Yet another energy firm’s patronising advice on how to keep warm amid spiralling fuel bills proves incredibly effective, since it makes all their customers’ blood boil.

THURSDAY

The transplant patient who is now part pig is told to coat himself in salt for 24 hours. That’ll cure him.

FRIDAY

Users of Microsoft Word who are angry about its new ‘woke’ writing suggestions are told they shouldn’t have bought the PC version.

The new ‘tear-free’ onions are deemed a flop, since their Waitrose price tag still makes customers’ eyes water.