NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!
OUR weekly irreverent look at just some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
Boris Johnson hails the Government’s success in creating vast numbers of new job opportunities. All of them within No10.
As the exodus of advisers continues, Downing Street wonders how it can cope without all those sage political minds who so successfully guided the PM to the position of universal respect, trust and esteem he enjoys today.
TUESDAY
Sir Keir Starmer refuses to be drawn deeper into the
Savile Row, saying he’s got quite enough smartly tailored suits already.
The Insulate Britain campaigners who glued themselves together outside court start their jail sentences. Prosecutors say they always knew they’d get the charges to stick.
WEDNESDAY
British Gas unveils a brilliant new plan to keep fuel bills down: making sure nobody’s boiler works.
Michael Gove hits back over criticism that he lifted parts of his Levelling Up White Paper from Wikipedia: ‘The online encyclopedia is a reliable source of information [citation needed] launched on January 15, 2001, by Jimmy Wales [6] and Larry Sanger [7].’
THURSDAY
As tensions mount in Ukraine, Liz Truss launches a major diplomatic offensive against Russia, ordering it to stay on the naughty steppe.
After her husband revealed she has been eating the same meal for 25 years, Victoria Beckham says she hopes to have finished it by 2047.
FRIDAY
Academics say they rumbled exam cheats who used software to paraphrase essays they plagiarised after a student wrote about the Dickens novels A Story Of More Than One Urban
Centre and Austere Dwelling.
Cuthbert The Caterpillar returns to shelves after Aldi and M&S settle their legal fight – a surprise to those who thought the case had legs.
SATURDAY
After supplies of KP snacks were hit by a cyber attack, bosses say systems were compromised by a French employee who did not follow procedures on his Apple computer. So slack Jacques is sacked after Nik-Naks snack packs got whacked in a lax Mac hack attack.