NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

IN A regular weekly feature, The Mail on Sunday takes an irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

TODAY

The Duchess of Cambridge’s bedtime story airs on CBeebies, the first time a senior royal has told an fantastical fairytale on the BBC since Prince Andrew’s Newsnight interview.

MONDAY

Boris Johnson announces a further speeding up of the timetable to scrap Covid rules before any other country, meaning no restrictions will now apply from whatever the day before the first Downing Street party was.

Meanwhile the PM returns his questionnaire over the No 10 gatherings to Scotland Yard, having answered every question about what he was up to with: ‘Delivering for the British people’ – a message only undermined by the fact he wrote on every page: ‘Team name: Quizteama Aguilera

And The Downing-It Street Party Posse!’

TUESDAY

After investigating West Ham’s Kurt Zouma, RSPCA chiefs turn to another high-profile case of alleged animal cruelty: the poor cat who had to sit on the Foreign Secretary’s head throughout her visit to Moscow.

WEDNESDAY

Jacob Rees-Mogg settles into his new job of Minister for Brexit Opportunities and Government Efficiency – a brief quickly abbreviated to ‘Bogey’, given how much he gets up everyone’s nose.

Cressida Dick’s colleagues throw her a leaving party – she just can’t find any evidence of it.

THURSDAY

Nuclear scientists who created temperatures ten times hotter than the centre of the sun said they got the idea after biting into a pizza straight out of the oven.

Greggs unveil the full extent of their new fashion range tie-up with Primark, including pork pie hats, sausage rollneck jumpers and the not-so appealing sticky bun-derwear.

FRIDAY

After paintings by the dog artist called ‘Barksy’ raise hundreds of pounds, auctioneers announce a new sale of works by Curavaggio, Dogatello, Pugcasso and Andy Warhowl.

Ramblers react to the new guidelines doing away with country stiles, responding: ‘We’ll get over them.’