NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Vladimir Putin starts a bailout of Russian companies struggling against Western sanctions, pledging a trillion roubles to prop them up – or about £17.39 at the latest exchange rate.

Microsoft stops working with Russia, depriving Putin of his most loyal military adviser: the animated paper clip that popped up and said: ‘It looks like you are planning a crime against humanity. Would you like some help?’

And Ikea fulfils its pledge to close its Russian stores, throwing not so much a spanner into the nation’s economy but a tiny

Allen key.

TUESDAY

Putin gets even more draconian on Western media, saying he has no choice but to spare his nation from even the slimmest chance of getting a glimpse of that cringeworthy Matt Hancock interview.

London Mayor Sadiq Khan repeats his assertion that the capital is ‘well prepared’ for a nuclear attack, and that any Russian missiles will be liable for the relevant vehicle emissions charges.

WEDNESDAY

Teachers say that based on assessment of his work, Gavin Williamson’s knighthood should be downgraded to a Grade 1 GCSE (Gormless Chump Sabotages Education).

Scientists who found nostalgia can relieve pain admit it wasn’t as good as a similar study they did a few years back. Ah, now those were the days of really great studies…

THURSDAY

Most MPs now say they will be returning their £2,200 pay rise – albeit in the form of fines for partying during lockdown.

FRIDAY

Unprecedented scenes in Hollywood as studios manage to go a full seven days without releasing a new Batman film.