NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Humanitarian groups condemn the latest suffering to be inflicted on the people of Ukraine: both a visit from David Cameron and Bono’s God-awful poem. Haven’t they suffered enough?

Rebel bombing is observed on a massive scale. Nothing to do with the war, just the reviews of Ms Wilson’s jokes at last weekend’s Baftas.

TUESDAY

There’s a new crisis in the Channel, with reports of numerous vessels carrying desperately poor foreigners under the control of amoral shysters who don’t care for their conditions, only the profits.

Yes, P&O ferries are operating again with their new low-paid agency staff.

Meanwhile, Radio 4 makes a programme about how many seamen are refusing to work for the company: I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Crew.

WEDNESDAY

After an exposé found that hundreds of DVLA staff have been paid to stay at home and do nothing, every employee is ordered back in the office to do nothing, as it should be.

THURSDAY

Nadine Dorries is again called by a hoaxer pretending to be a Ukrainian Minister, but saw straight through the ruse.

‘It was immediately obvious this was an unconvincing, shoddy impostor who had none of the qualities expected of a senior politician,’ said the hacker who tried to get through.

The astrophysicists who came up with the theory of ‘hairy black holes’ are nominated for the Nobel Prize for Innuendo, as previously won by the team who named Uranus.

FRIDAY

Statisticians determining inflation rates make another update to the typical basket of goods that people buy. Now it’s just fuel, taxes, rent and anti-depression medication.

The Hampshire council which banned workers from climbing ladders says it will confiscate any that it finds being used. And in the case of repeat offenders, further steps will be taken.