NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at just some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Boris Johnson claims police have given him their seal of approval for attending numerous Downing Street functions during lockdown, after they send him another letter headlined: ‘Fine for partying.’

Extinction Rebellion’s attempts to bring chaos to Bank Holiday travel plans prove considerably less effective than the actions of the actual UK travel industry.

TUESDAY

Typical Home Office incompetence derails the plan to export refugees to East Africa, as the first migrants arrive in… Rhondda. ‘Easy mistake,’ says one official. ‘Just like Rwanda, it’s a desolate backwater ruled by a power-mad despot who cannot tolerate criticism.’

WEDNESDAY

After Formula 1 drivers were told they have to wear flameproof underwear, the same edict is issued to the Prime Minister as he’s deemed to be at a high risk of having his pants on fire. UN peacekeepers are urged to intervene as the savage war of attrition reaches new levels of destruction – but they say they’re a bit too busy with Ukraine right now to get involved with Johnny Depp and Amber Heard.

THURSDAY

Following his hostile takeover bid, Elon Musk reveals that his plans for Twitter include expanding the 240-character limit – so he can fit his next kid’s name into messages.

Models pooh-pooh research that predicts they could soon be replaced by robots. With their cold, unemotional, unnaturally featureless faces, the catwalk queens insist their jobs are safe.

FRIDAY

A new start-up offering trips to the edge of space in a helium balloon defend the £40,000 price tag, saying they have to account for inflation.

After accounts show how little The Rolling Stones are paying in tax, the band deny they are obsessed with the issue as they launch three new tracks: ISA All Over Now, HMRC

For The Devil and (I Can’t Get No) VATisfaction.