NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Opposition leaders agree to Jacob Rees-Mogg’s pleas to ‘move on’ from Partygate – just as soon as he’s moved on from 1876.

Meanwhile, the Government Efficiency Minister continues to call out civil servants who aren’t at their Whitehall desks, tapping out some strongly worded telegrams about working from home.

TUESDAY

Prince Harry talks more about his concerns that the Queen doesn’t have ‘the right people around her’. He explains: ‘How can she possibly be getting the right advice when she hasn’t even got a chakra aligner, Ayurveda healer or aura swami on her staff.’

WEDNESDAY

News that Matt Hancock is to publish his Covid diaries is greeted with great glee in some parts of the industry – the companies that print ‘Reduced to 99p’ stickers.

Producers on Netflix shows are told to cut their budgets amid falling subscriber numbers. The next series of Tiger King will now be entitled Cat Lady; Emily In Paris is now Emily In Pontefract; and The Crown will become The Beret.

THURSDAY

The Highway Code is updated so drivers of self-driving electric cars are not held liable if they crash. ‘It will be impossible to charge them,’ said a transport spokesman. ‘Or the drivers either.’

Councillors in London push through with plans to rename Gladstone Park after Diane Abbott, in honour of all the people blatantly drinking in public there.

FRIDAY

A leading scientist who blamed the internet for giving humans short attention spans goes on to explain how getting information in bite-sized chunks was… oh, look at that cute dog eating spaghetti.