QUOTES of the week

‘The good Lord is late. I have the feeling He has forgotten me.’

Sister André, a 118-year-old French nun who has been named as the world’s oldest person.

‘I’m sorry you’ve married a f ****** idiot.’ Neil Parish to his wife Sue after being identified as the MP who watched porn in the Commons.

‘Residents… clients… service users.’ Terms for prisoners, which officers have been ordered not to use amid fears that woke language is damaging confidence in the criminal justice system.

‘It’s a lesson to those of us who should have probably worked harder at school.’ Network Rail’s PR chief Nicky Hughes angers workers by defending executives’ high pay.

‘I wish the self-lacerating classes would realise that the world respects their own country a lot more than a lot of them do.’

Australian High Commissioner George Brandis urges Britons to stop feeling guilty about the past.

‘When I was 21 and a virgin, I got my fringe and everything started happening.’ Claudia Winkleman reveals the benefits of changing her hairstyle.

‘Just seen Sue Gray in the queue for Pret. Black Americano. No sugar, no messing around. Ruthless.’

Writer Tony Diver sums up the Partygate interrogator from her coffee choice.

‘If you’re stupid before you get it, you’re going to be stupid afterwards. Money’s not going to make you sensible.’

Lottery winner Frances Connolly, who has given away half of her £115million fortune.

‘If this were an article about a housewife who called a policeman to report the worst landlord in the history of mankind, Google would object.’

Intro on a story in The Times about the search

engine’s new ‘inclusive language’ function.