NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Final local election results come in. Labour LOSE Moral High Ground, Lib Dems GAIN False Hope and Tories TAKE The Mickey.

Police quiz Keir Starmer over his lockdown beer and curry – and can’t help but open their interrogation with: ‘Aloo, aloo, aloo…’ Meanwhile, Tories hope the Labour leader is heading for a phaal after officers tikka look at all the evidence.

TUESDAY

The Government hails the end of the ban on importing fish from near Japan’s Fukushima nuclear plant as a major victory in the cost-of-living crisis, since there’s no need to use energy on food that microwaves itself. The move also gives new meaning to the phrase ‘fission chips’.

WEDNESDAY

Ministers again risk being branded out-of-touch by telling hard-up families they could save money by cutting back on eating swan cutlets, not burning £50 notes to keep warm, or simply getting a wealthy non-dom donor to pay for anything they can’t afford.

Meanwhile, critics say Tory Oliver Dowden’s admission he doesn’t buy baked beans proves he never has his finger on the pulse...

THURSDAY

Countdown producers start their hunt for a new host, saying they are looking for someone with more warmth and empathy than the departing Anne Robinson. Like Priti Patel.

Former England midfielder Steve Hodge says he didn’t expect to hit the £7million target for Maradona’s 1986 World Cup shirt, but somehow it got over the line…

FRIDAY

The outgoing head of the Royal Shakespeare Company who said that only disabled actors should be cast as Richard III adds that only dead ones should play the ghosts.

After researchers found that a vegan diet can help overweight people shed pounds, the NHS launches a new lentil health campaign.

SATURDAY

Eurovision Song Contest commentators say Ukraine could field an orchestra of people scraping forks across their plates and still win – even if that is plagiarising the last 20 years of UK entries.