NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!
OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
Britain starts its recovery from four days of bunking off work and drunken, debauched celebration – or as Downing Street calls it, ‘a normal working week’.
The Jubilee weekend is hailed a success in bringing people from all parts of the nation and all backgrounds together for one common cause: booing Boris Johnson. But the Prime Minister shrugs off the hostile reception he received at St Paul’s – not the first time he’s denied the presence of boos in his vicinity.
TUESDAY
Now that the Royal celebrations are over, the nation retires the twee phrase ‘platty joobs’ as we concentrate on more serious and important issues such as the inflatz cri-cri, the Ukrainy invasy and the Northern Ireland protocol-wotocol.
After experts hail seaweed as an environmentally friendly way to feed the world, those who don’t know how to cook it are advised to turn to any cookbook and seek kelp.
WEDNESDAY
Priti Patel’s plan to send migrants to Rwanda hits a setback when it’s revealed that Tui is in charge of the flights.
The new season of Love Island wins plaudits after contestants are given training on inclusivity and diversity. Now the Islanders judge their fellow reality stars purely on what really matters: the tightness of their abs or whether they’ve got cracking boobs.
THURSDAY
The protester who threw a pastry at the Mona Lisa is charged with flandalism – as police impound his gateau-way car.
FRIDAY
After a Mumsnet interview left the PM struggling to name any children’s books he reads to son Wilfred, Boris belatedly declares he actually loves fairy stories full of wild fantasy – like the Labour Party manifesto.
Following news that 55 per cent of people who went wild swimming later fell ill, further research finds that 100 per cent of people who don’t go wild swimming also get sick… of hearing about it.
SATURDAY
The man who broke the record for most bungee jumps in 24 hours says the day had its ups and downs, while his rival for the title vows: ‘I’ll bounce back.’