QUOTES of the week

‘When it comes to how to mark 70 years as your Queen, there is no guidebook to follow. It really is a first. But I have been humbled and deeply touched that so many of you have taken to the streets to celebrate.’ The Queen’s message to the nation after her Platinum Jubilee.

‘There were a lot of sweets out back, so there was a real sugar high.’ Mike Tindall reveals why some of the Queen’s great-grandchildren were in such high spirits.

‘I’ve just stolen a car and I’m taking it for a joyride! I’m going to Guildford!’ Car thief Kevin Moss gives police all the evidence they need during a call to a friend recorded by the car’s dashboard camera.

‘Hi, I’m William. Would you like to buy a copy of The Big Issue?’ Prince William stuns passersby in London as he sells the magazine to help the homeless.

‘Ensure all our colleagues, patients and visitors feel that they can be who they are and bring their whole selves to work and while receiving care.’ Advert for a £53,000-a-year equality manager at Harrogate Hospital – the type of job Sajid Javid says could be axed.

‘Learners who menstruate.’ Education Department guide on free santitary products in schools fails to refer to ‘girls’.

‘Headline to go in here, pls.’ Jokey headline in The Sun on a report that absent-minded Britons forget an average of 1,095 things a year.

‘You only have one chance to shoot a King. You can’t miss.’ Ally of Boris Johnson after Jeremy Hunt and fellow plotters failed to bring down the PM in a confidence vote.

‘No, put some more welly into it!’ Labour Deputy Leader Angela Rayner on her reaction to Sir Keir Starmer’s lawyerly approach at PMQs.