NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

The Government extends the ‘Right to buy’ scheme to cover a full tank of petrol.

But man of the people Jacob Rees-Mogg has a practical suggestion for all those who say they can no longer afford to drive: ‘Can’t you just travel by sedan chair?’

TUESDAY

Keir Starmer’s office explain that he’s been slow to comment on the industrial action set to cripple the railways, as he’s been trying to wrap his head around the baffling word ‘action’.

WEDNESDAY

The men who fell into a vat of chocolate in America are recovering well, but one now has a bounty on his head.

Sir David Attenborough asks

Buckingham Palace to stop honouring him, because at his age twice a knight is already too much.

THURSDAY

A herd of wild ostriches continues to plague the Love Island set. With their long legs, heavy eyelashes and aggressive squawks… the female contestants say they are worried about the birds breaching the perimeter.

FRIDAY

More controversy hits the Saudi-backed LIV golf tournament as the rules deem women are not permitted to drive.

SATURDAY

Channel 5 reality show Our Yorkshire Farm airs the dramatic row that brings celebrity shepherdess Amanda Owen’s marriage to an end. She is shocked when her husband tells her to ‘sling your crook’, and replies: ‘What did you say to me?’ ‘You herd.’