NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

SUNDAY

Whatever the scoreline at the Women’s Euros Finals this afternoon, the German team will count themselves the real winners – as the energy crisis means the hot shower they get afterwards is more than they’re allowed at home.

MONDAY

The inflation crisis deepens again as the cost of getting a judge to effectively brand you a liar now tops £3million.

Rishi Sunak defends wearing £450 Prada shoes on the campaign trail, saying they were actually a bargain – because imagine how much they would cost if they were in an adult size.

TUESDAY

Law chiefs brush off fears that televising court proceedings will make everyone play up to the camera – and insist that judges’ new ‘golden buzzers’ will just streamline justice.

WEDNESDAY

Bernard Cribbins’s funeral is delayed following an amusing graveside contretemps about how the hole should be dug.

THURSDAY

Work starts on the reboot of the physical gameshow Gladiators, with the new cast of warriors including Fatberg, Vape, Algorithm, Monkeypox, Gaslighter, Microaggression – and the most fearsome of them all: Gas Bill.

After unearthing a ferocious fossilised fish in Gloucestershire, palaeontologists say they might have discovered the greatest collection of prehistoric predators yet, as they come across a

1978 edition of the TV Times.

FRIDAY

Bristol councillors who rejected a call to ban strip clubs hope they get rewarded at the poles.

One of the women who climbed Scafell Pike with a kitchen sink on her back describes the experience as ‘draining’.