NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

The Mail on Sunday takes an irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

RISHI SUNAK faces a backlash after getting filmed making a stupid comment then immediately trying to distance himself from it, with Camp Truss blasting him for stealing its campaign strategy.

And after critics suggested Liz Truss’s approach to ‘just ignore her’ when it comes to Nicola Sturgeon sounded like something a tired parent would say, the leadership frontrunner outlines more policy pledges: to not go out dressed like that, to always close the door because she wasn’t born in a barn, and not to jump into the lake just because France did.

TUESDAY

CIVIL servants hit back at Attorney General Suella Braverman’s plans to withdraw inclusivity training, complaining: ‘How can we encourage diversity unless we all think the same?’

Despite his absence from the Treasury during a crucial week for the economy, Chancellor Nadhim Zahawi insists he was still working hard on inflation – blowing up a lilo, his armbands AND the novelty flamingo pool float.

WEDNESDAY

SOUTHEND United welcome a new sponsor, after the last deal led to their West Stand being given the unfortunate name of the Gilbert and Rose West Stand. Club bosses say they are now looking forward to a long partnership with BetFred.

THURSDAY

DESPITE the Batgirl movie being canned over fears it was ‘too woke’, Hollywood moguls say they remain committed to movies with a progressive message, such as the new blockbuster about a band of trans superheroes, The Ex Men.

FRIDAY

AFTER researchers found that of all the musical genres, dogs prefer reggae and rock, a new playlist is released for them on Spotifido, featuring Iggy Pup, Canine Inch Nails, Bone Jovi, Barkman Turner Roverdrive, The LabraDoors and David Bow-wow-wowie.