THIS YEAR’S NEWS...TODAY!
OUR irreverent look at the stories that might be breaking this year…
JANUARY
Pele arrives in heaven after elegantly swerving 11 angels and squeezing through the gates at the far post. St Peter says he hasn’t seen anybody do such great work with a cross since Jesus himself.
FEBRUARY
Critics accuse The Great British Bake Off musical of ripping off other West End shows with songs such as As Long As He Kneads Me and Hopelessly
Devoted To Choux.
MARCH
Following Will Smith’s slap, Oscars chiefs announce that the categories will now be divided into heavyweight, middleweight and lightweight divisions.
APRIL
As the global population hits
8.1 billion, the number of podcasts hits 8.2billion.
MAY
To counter criticism that Charles’s Coronation is too expensive, he agrees to have it sponsored. The solemn ceremony will now end with the new King asking the Archbishop of Canterbury: ‘Did somebody say Just Eat?’
JUNE
Adult movie star Dom O’Nater retires in shame after being caught watching Tory MPs’ speeches while at work.
JULY
Harry and Meghan release a new Netflix series about how they were wronged by William’s cruel move of not pressing ‘like’ on one of their 2019 Instagram posts.
AUGUST
Matt Hancock vows to use his profile to highlight dyslexia as he signs up for Channel
5’s Celebrity Cheese Rolling with Mr Blobby.
SEPTEMBER
Sir Keir Starmer finally announces a firm policy position: sour cream and onion is the best Pringles flavour. Unless it’s Texas BBQ Sauce.
OCTOBER
The Crown insists it is the epitome of truth as the final series depicts the Queen Mother being abducted by aliens.
NOVEMBER
Ncuti Gatwa’s debut episode as the first black Doctor Who focuses on him being stopped and searched by police.
DECEMBER
Gen Z boycott Christmas, saying Jesus was the original ‘nepo-baby’.
Steve Bennett