Who was dubbed Capt Crasheroonie Snoozefest? What did Becks do for 13 hours? And how was Mrs Vardy left all at sea?

Find out in Britain’s wittiest and most irreverent news quiz of 2022

2023-01-01 - Compiled by STEVE BENNETT

COMMONS PEOPLE

Which of these was a nickname Boris gave to Sir Keir Starmer?

a) Major Oversight b) General Malaise c) Private Grief d) Captain Crasheroonie Snoozefest

2 Why is the number 57 relevant to Boris Johnson?

a) It was the number of trips he made to Kyiv in 2022 to try to distract from problems at home b) He’s eaten every variety of Heinz known to man c) It’s the number of Ministers who resigned, forcing him to quit d) It’s his cholesterol level, more than ten times the recommended maximum

Lord Geidt quit which job, which sounds made-up, but isn’t?

a) Duchess of Sussex’s fact-checker b) Boris Johnson’s ethics adviser c) Angela Rayner’s elocution teacher d) Jeremy Corbyn’s stylist

The first half of the year was dominated by revelations of lockdown parties in Downing Street. What was it that revellers were revealed to have broken in the No10 garden?

a) The swing belonging to Wilf Johnson (son of Boris) b) The world record for most elected officials singing an Abba medley c) The device for steaming Jacob Rees-Mogg’s top hat d) At least seven commandments

5 As Boris lost his grip on power, what did Madame Tussauds do with his waxwork?

a) Melted it down to make Harry Kane, Jeff Bezos

and Dua Lipa b) Stood it outside a JobCentre c) Donated it to Stringfellows so he could keep on partying d) Put his head on a spike outside the Chamber of Horrors

6 What political Titan did Boris Johnson quote at the end of his last Prime Minister’s Questions in the Commons?

a) Churchill, the wartime Prime Minister b) Churchill, the nodding dog from the insurance ad c) Kermit the frog d) The Terminator

7 What did TV presenter Kate McCann do while hosting a Tory leadership debate?

a) Faint b) Play Wordle c) Breastfeed d) Say she couldn’t see Rishi Sunak over his lectern 8 Why was Rishi Sunak mocked when he tried to show himself being a normal man of the people at a petrol station? a) He held his credit card up to a barcode scanner to pay b) He thought a Ginsters Cornish Pasty was a novelty ice-scraper c) He sat in his car for 20 minutes waiting for ‘the man’ to come out and fill his tank for him d) He asked if he could have the organic petrol 9

What was the name of the Tory Deputy Chief Whip who resigned after allegedly groping two men while drunk?

a) Mr Handsy b) Mr Pincher c) Iain à Propriate d) Mr Fondellbutt

What did MP Neil Parish claim he was searching for when accused of viewing porn on his phone in the Commons chamber?

a) Big cockerels b) Ornamental knockers c) Tractors d) Toothache cures, or

‘oral relief’

11 What did Nadine Dorries

not do this year?

a) Make a TikTok rap about the Online Safety Bill b) Gush about rugby union at an event about the Rugby League World Cup – even though she was Sports Secretary c) Tweeted word-for-word a message Boris Johnson had posted quarter of an hour earlier d) Rage about how much Ant and Dec’s salaries cost the licence-fee payer… even though they are employed by ITV

12 What reason did Matt Hancock give for going into the I’m A Celebrity… jungle? a) Because he’s a connoisseur of kangaroo testicles b) To raise awareness of dyslexia, though he barely mentioned it on screen c) Because he has empathy for the slimy, creepy, unloved creatures in the jungle d) Because of Putin’s illegal war in Ukraine – the stock government response to all criticism

PLATTY JUBES… TO STATEY FUNES

What was wrong with some of the Platinum Jubilee merchandise made in China? a) It used a picture of Olivia Colman from The Crown instead of the actual Queen b) It celebrated the Queen’s ‘jubbly’ c) It showed Her Majesty in a horrifying jacket made from human limbs after designers misread the instruction to show ‘the coat of arms’ d)

Instead of

Sandringham, they used a picture of Sandra Ingram, a pilates instructor from Daventry

The Queen was reported to be a fan of which video game?

a) Grand Theft Auto b) Mortal Kombat c) Wii Sports d) Pac-Ma’am

What was written as ‘occupation’ on the

Queen’s death certificate?

a) Defender Of The Faith b) Her Majesty The Queen c) Postage stamp model d) Wave machine

What was the official reason given for Prince Andrew’s absence from Platinum Jubilee celebrations?

a) Isolating with Covid-19 b) Isolating with Kathy, 19 c) The Royal Male was on strike d) Prior engagement at Pizza Express Woking

Which of these was NOT done as a mark of respect for the Queen following her death? a) Morrisons lowered the volume of its checkout beeps b) A cycle rack was taken out of action in Norwich c) Guinea Pig Awareness Week was postponed d) All the traffic lights in Barnsley were turned black

Harry & Meghan’s Netflix documentary showed a picture of a large group of photographers to back their claims of media harassment.

But what were the cameramen actually gathered to take pictures of? a) Nelson Mandela’s release from prison b) A Harry Potter film premiere c) A rare sighting of the hottentot buttonquail on the Norfolk Broads d) Christopher Biggins opening the Leatherhead Summer Fete

HEATING OR EATING

The price of what precious substance reached almost £10 a kilo? a) Cocaine b) Caviar c) Gold d) Lurpak

How did energy firm Ovo suggest people keep warm as bills soared? a) Challenge their children to a hula-hoop contest b) Move to their villas in Tuscany c) Burn copies of the instantly out-of-date Liz Truss biography d) Clap vigorously for those vital to society, such as NHS carers and energy firm shareholders

KYIV CALM AND CARRY ON…

How did Donald Trump suggest the US military could hit back against Russia without getting the blame?

a) Camouflage the troops in burkas b) Unleash a highly trained army of prairie dogs c) Put Chinese flags on F-22 fighter jets d) Drive the tanks on Moscow in reverse, so satellite images would think they were going away from the Russian capital

What was US House

Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s contribution to the war?

a) She responded to a plea for more missiles by vowing a significant supply of hopes and prayers to combat Putin b) She sang Happy Birthday Mr President to Volodymyr Zelensky in the same breathy way Marilyn Monroe did to JFK c) She read a poem U2’s Bono wrote about the conflict, rhyming ‘pain’ with ‘Ukraine’

– as if the people there hadn’t suffered enough d) She committed US resources to providing a ‘Keep calm and carry on’ poster for every home in the Donetsk

Silvio Berlusconi was one of the few people who spoke in favour of Vladimir Putin. What did the former Italian prime minister give the Russian leader for his 65th birthday? a) A tank b) A duvet cover with a giant picture of them shaking hands printed across it c) An annual visitor’s pass for Salisbury Cathedral d) A voucher for ‘10 hugs’

GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOTS

What was the name of the social-media platform launched by Donald Trump after he was thrown off Twitter?

a) PatrioTicTok b) Truth Social c) Fiends Reunited d) Maga-do

What was Trump doing in a genuine image he flogged of himself as a virtual trading card to his supporters?

a) Writing on a bed covered with top-secret documents at Mar-a-Lago b) Riding a horse clinging adoringly to a topless

Vladimir Putin c) Posing as a muscle-bound superhero with laser eyes d) Posing as a dignified statesman

The UN declared 2022 the international year of… what? a) Artisanal fisheries b) Debt c) The lettuce d) Binley Mega

Chippy, the Coventry takeaway that became a viral phenomenon

THE STATE OF THE NATION

Amateur TV host Jerry Dyer became a sensation for livestreaming… what?

a) Planes trying to land at Heathrow during Storm Eunice b) His home heating bill spiralling up in real time on his smart meter c) Paint drying on new Elizabeth line Tube carriages in London d) His dustbin failing to be collected by striking Edinburgh refuse workers

What bane of rail travellers’ lives did Transport Secretary Grant Shapps vow to get rid of?

a) Banal announcements such as ‘See It, Say It, Sorted’ b) Trains c) The obscene prices at Delice De France d) The phrase ‘vestibule area’

What nickname was given to July’s lost-baggage debacle at Heathrow?

a) Airmageddon b) Suitchaos c) PanAmdemonium d) Departure Gate-gate

A 69-year-old plumber won £25,000 for age discrimination after his colleagues called him… what?

a) ‘Jerry’, short for geriatric b) ‘Half-Dead Dave’ c) ‘Captain Caveman’ d) ‘Joe Biden’

How is academic Steven Hunt trying to keep Latin alive?

a) By launching a new social media platform, FaciemLiber, in Latin b) By demanding the revival of TV’s Gladiators game show be faithful to the bloody Roman amphitheatre c) By translating Taylor Swift lyrics into the ancient language d) By getting football fans to chant in Latin: ‘Referendarius stultus est’ 32 Why did the World Bollard Association say it had ‘never been so offended’? a) Because Boris Johnson branded Keir Starmer a ‘great pointless human bollard’ b) Because the obstacles were renamed ‘cylindrical traffic management mechanisms’ to stop people making double entendres c) Because they were named Britain’s second most useless organisation after Avanti West Coast. d) Because the judge in its trademark dispute with the

World Boxing Association over who was the real WBA ruled that it would be settled in the ring 33 Listening station GCHQ publicly clashed with MI6 chief Richard Moore over… what? a) Whether you could be ambushed by cake b) Belarus’s involvement in the Russian attack on Ukraine c) Whether Idris Elba should be the next James Bond d) The etiquette of posting

Wordle results on Twitter

FORCES OF NATURE 34 What was the name given to one of the beavers reintroduced to Enfield in North London? a) Sigourney Beaver b) Gnawman Tebbit c) Chewy Lewis d) Hairyson Fjord

35 Which of these pieces of investigations did not win a 2022 Ig Nobel prize for quirky research?

a) Why success most often goes not to the most talented people, but instead to the luckiest b) What is the most efficient way to use your fingers when turning a doorknob c) A paper entitled ‘A multidisciplinary approach to ritual enema scenes on ancient Maya pottery’ d) A sociological study into the baffling popularity of TV presenter Paddy McGuinness 36 What did Storm Eunice do? a) Rip a hole in The O2 roof b) Knock over one of the stones at Stonehenge c) Cause the Angel Of The North to start spinning on her axis d) Made Simon Cowell’s Botoxed face move ever so slightly

How did Trentham Monkey Sanctuary in Stoke try to get its primates in the mood for sex? a) Put lipstick on the gorillas b) Played them David Attenborough shows with a soundtrack from a 1970s porn film c) Monkey Viagra d) Hired a Marvin Gaye impersonator to serenade them

CULTURAL DIFFERENCES 38

Which of these was not a real trigger warning from 2022? a) A play about Groucho Marx ‘features a prop cigar’ b) The novel Kidnapped ‘includes scenes of kidnapping’ c) A forensic science degree course ‘may contain images of death’ d) The Very Hungry Caterpillar ‘may be distressing for those with an eating disorder’ 39

What was the actual name of the woefully under-attended so-called ‘festival of Brexit’? a) Sunlit Uplands b) Leaverpalooza c) Unboxed d) Moggtoberfest

What did Pulp Fiction director Quentin Tarantino call ‘the greatest British import of this decade’ into the US? a) Peppa Pig b) James Corden c) The bolt-action sniper rifle d) Um Bongo

SEEING STARS

What did it take David Beckham 13 hours to do? a) His hair b) Queue to pay his respects to the Queen c) Count the money he got from the Qataris to be an ambassador for the morally dubious World Cup d) A jigsaw… to his great delight, as it said ‘one to three years’ on the box

What turn of phrase did Rebekah Vardy not understand during her disastrous libel trial against Coleen Rooney? a) ‘The whole truth and nothing but the truth’ b) ‘Caught red-handed’ – an allegation she vigorously denied by saying she always moisturised her palms c) ‘Davy Jones’ locker’, meaning the bottom of the sea where her agent’s evidence-packed phone fortuitously wound up d) ‘Dog-eat-dog’, thinking the defence counsel was likening her to a rottweiler

43 What did Danny Dyer say about the King and Queen Consort when they visited the EastEnders set, before ascending the throne?

a) ‘Their family’s screwed up, even by Walford standards’ b) ‘They’ve got mad faces when you’re close’ c) ‘I thought they was a bit common, y’know what I mean?’ d) ‘Them ears reminded me of the pint mugs in the Queen Vic’ 44 How did broadcaster Jeremy Vine injure himself? a) Strained his vocal cords by exaggerating his odd intonations too much b) Got a black eye falling off his pennyfarthing c) Broke his wrist on ITV2 reality Celebrity Potholing d) Got his head stuck in the revolving doors of Broadcasting House SPORTING CHANCERS 45 In his bizarre speech asking people to shut up about Qatar’s dismal human rights record, Fifa President Gianni Infantino said he knew what it was like to be discriminated against because he was…

a) Bald b) Ginger (once upon a time) c) A member of the muchpersecuted minority of middle-aged white male millionaires d) A member of the Zygon race from the Planet Qwerty in the Epsilon Nebula

Which of these did Qatari authorities not ban during the World Cup?

a) Football b) Balloons c) Water d) Cameras

Which sporting record did Kellie Clark beat in 2022?

a) Longest quintuple jump (hop, step, jump, jeté, star-jump) b) Slowest 110m hurdles at a Commonwealth Games, coming in at 4min 18sec, after stopping to exchange WhatsApp messages c) Fastest marathon dressed as candy confectionery (a Marathon, obviously) at the London race d) Most Wimbledons as a ball girl, a job she’s had since 1954

48 Cricket lost the great Shane Warne in 2022. How did Liz Hurley once describe dating him? a) Like facing his bowling: you know there’s going to be some wild swinging, often while playing away from home, and someone’s likely to end up getting caught out b) Like a rollercoaster ride: sometimes it’s exhilarating, but sometimes you feel sick and want to get off c) Like a Sylvester Stallone movie: Rocky d) Like being in the Pussycat Dolls: there’s always going to be another five stunning women involved 49

Of what did golfer Greg Norman, below, say ‘we all make mistakes’?

a) Missing a 3ft putt at the French open, costing him €1million b) The murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi by the Saudis, who are paying him handsomely to head their LIV golf tournament c) The sportswear company that made 4,000 polo shirts bearing the name ‘Dreg Normal’ d) His backing of a golfbased cryptocurrency, GreenBacks, which collapsed owing £5 billion

How did one chess robot ensure he would not be defeated by his sevenyear-old opponent?

a) Broke his finger b) Exterminated his queen with a laser beam c) Reduced him to tears by saying that he was adopted d) Printed 3D replacement pieces whenever one was taken