NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

TODAY

TV viewers who tune in to see Matt Hancock subjected to another expletive-riddled tirade of insults can’t figure out if they’re watching the finale of Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins or more evidence from the Covid inquiry.

MONDAY

As the destruction rises, there are growing calls for a pause in hostilities between the two warring sides in the bitter conflict… at the heart of Labour.

TUESDAY

Following last week’s AI summit, Rishi Sunak says he’s still worried about people losing their jobs to cold, calculating bots – especially after seeing how he compares to Sir Keir Starmer in the latest opinion polls

WEDNESDAY

After advising its customers to eat less meat, NatWest tells them which specific cuts to avoid, particularly those from the leg – so sparking yet another deshanking scandal.

Conservationists hoping to reintroduce turtles to UK ponds say they’ll first run a test scheme to see if the turtles will mix with existing wildlife, since they rarely come out of their shells.

THURSDAY

There’s renewed anger at the news that the UK sent £9billion to the wasteful EU last year, when we could have spent the money on good old-fashioned British incompetence, like funding 50 more yards of HS2.

Leicester is renamed ‘Red Leicester’ after the city council declares itself on the brink of bankruptcy.

FRIDAY

Following the success of the Beatles’ Now And Then, made with AI, computers recreate some of the band’s other hits: The Long and Winding Code, Maxwell’s Silver Programmer, Data Days a Week, Got to Get CPU into My Life, and .Com Together.