NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

As the Met Police finally announce a long-overdue criminal investigation into the Post Office IT scandal, burglary victims seeking justice are now urged to commission a four-part ITV drama laying out the evidence.

TUESDAY

NatWest boss Sir Howard Davies insists he was right to say it’s easy to get a foot on the housing ladder – even the humblest waiter can get a start with little more than a five-figure tip from Rod Stewart.

WEDNESDAY

Bafta takes the next step in making its awards gender-neutral, announcing that next year’s categories will be for best luvvie and best supporting luvvie.

The UN finally admits it was wrong to make trans model Munroe Bergdorf its UK champion for female issues and instead appoints a far more empathetic candidate for the job – Joey Barton.

THURSDAY

Ahead of his Coronation on Sunday, Denmark’s new king, Frederik X, says he will modernise the monarchy, pointing out that until just a few months ago he would have been known by the archaic name of Frederik Twitter.

With supermarkets now seen putting £1.25 bars of chocolate in sealed cases to deter thieves, security staff rename themselves Guardians Of The Galaxies.

FRIDAY

Navy bosses deny that mothballing two assault ships will be ‘the beginning of the end for the Royal Marines,’ saying they will just allow the elite troops to work from home.

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s neighbours say they’ve long known about the fearsome phantom in his home... as ‘he doesn’t half make a song and dance about it’.

SATURDAY

After actor Andrew Scott complained about the audience member who opened a laptop during his performance of Hamlet, the Royal Shakespeare Company unveils a season of new plays where patrons are encouraged to use their devices, including As

You Like I.T., Titus Androidicus, The

Merry Wifis Of Windsor, The Taming of The CPU and A Midsummer Night’s Teams.

Steve Bennett