NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

IN OUR weekly feature, The Mail on Sunday takes an irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Fears that artificial intelligence will be a mass destroyer of jobs multiply exponentially after Bank of England Governor Andrew ‘Nostradamus’ Bailey confidently predicts that no such thing will happen.

Claiming Nicola Sturgeon cried crocodile tears at the Covid inquiry is belittling and offensive – say crocodiles.

TUESDAY

Environment Agency bosses say their woke decision to strip the words ‘mother’ and ‘father’ from its policies will have no effect on its core job of protecting Primary Carer Earth.

Following his libel defeat last week, Laurence Fox launches fresh legal action against the cruel social media troll whose hateful comments have done the most damage to his acting career: Laurence Fox.

WEDNESDAY

The man who had a computer chip put inside his brain by Elon

Musk’s company Neuralink says it works fine, although he is no longer able to identify which squares in a photo contain traffic lights.

Researchers who found that robots which speak with local accents are considered more trustworthy admit that German is an exception.

THURSDAY

The shark researchers who got the first ever look at a newborn great white last week say the sighting of the baby shark was long overdue doo, doo, doo, doo, doo….

And the protesters who threw soup at the Mona Lisa say that was just for starters.

FRIDAY

Zookeepers reckon the Japanese macaque that escaped from a Scottish wildlife park only wanted to be reunited with the rest of the local MacAque clan.

SATURDAY

As the San Francisco store that inspired Toy Story is forced to close, it releases its final doll – Bust Lightyear – with the catchphrase: ‘To insolvency and beyond!’