NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Sir Keir Starmer denies his election commitments are shortlived as Labour become the first political party to publish their manifesto on an Etch A Sketch.

TUESDAY

Experts say warnings in last week’s investigation into the Boeing door blowout are not being listened to, with a recent attempted takeoff of a vehicle with a lot of screws loose near the right wing: Liz Truss’s Popular Conservatism. Luckily, not many people were on board.

Meanwhile the launch of ‘PopCon’ leads to even more Tory splinter groups, such as Emotional Conservatism (EmotiCon) and the Libertarian Antiwoke Values Conservatism (LavaTories).

WEDNESDAY

After criticism of American newsman Tucker Carlson’s fawning interview with Vladimir Putin, he defends his decision. ‘He may be a hated fount of dangerous misinformation, but I felt I had to sit with this monster to discover the true evil behind those cold, dead eyes,’ said the Russian president.

THURSDAY

Dentists offered a £20,000 golden hello to start working in underserved areas say they won’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Not unless you bung them another £10,000, anyway.

And the Church of England welcomes 120,000 new members as every Houthi claims they are Christian, and pinky-promise they won’t cause trouble in the UK.

FRIDAY

Joe Biden responds to the report that called him ‘an elderly man with a poor memory’ by saying: ‘I may be elderly but at least they didn’t say I had a poor memory.’

Meanwhile, after losing the Nevada primary vote to ‘none of the above’, Republican (no)hopeful Nikki Haley unveils her new campaign slogan: ‘Voters rate me second to none!’