NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!
OUR irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
Police say they will not take action against scammers who got MPs to send naked pictures, as having to look at the photos is surely punishment enough.
The American solar eclipse becomes the nation’s darkest day since Trump’s 2016 election victory.
TUESDAY
After defaulting on £400million of debt, Britain’s biggest water firm admits it’s ‘up s**t creek’. Or the Thames, as it used to be called.
Royal Mail stands by its fines over ‘fake’ stamps, saying it has infallible high-tech measures in place to identify forgeries, supplied by Fujitsu.
WEDNESDAY
New Scottish legislation makes it a hate crime to say that you don’t like Irn-Bru.
THURSDAY
The woman who gave birth in Aldi last week says all that pushing so hard really paid off – and that she finally got the shopping trolley to go in the direction she wanted.
Tourists paying £150 for tea at Balmoral are told it’s an extra £12.50 for each Duchy Original biscuit they want, the same as
everywhere else.
FRIDAY
After being deluged with ‘get well soon’ cards, the Southport accountant who was just named the world’s oldest man has to explain: ‘I’m 111, not ill.’
Astronauts setting their clocks to Nasa’s new time zone for the Moon say they are fed up with having to pay attention to the lunar ticks.
SATURDAY
After revealing he wore a padded prosthetic backside to play Prince Andrew in Netflix’s Scoop, Rufus Sewell is asked if the massive a*** was comfortable. ‘He’s not short of a bob or two,’ he replies.