NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!
OUR irreverent look at some of the stories that might break over the coming days...
TODAY
Another spectacular nighttime display is confirmed to be the true Northern Lights only when it’s followed by a dad saying: ‘It’s like the Blackpool bleedin’ Illuminations out here.’
MONDAY
Rishi Sunak announces new policies designed to stop the crossings. Not of the Channel, but of the Commons floor.
Meanwhile, Sir Keir Starmer’s approach to accepting defecting MPs is proved to be the same as his immigration policy: he’ll let anybody in.
TUESDAY
In court, Donald Trump’s lawyers continue to paint porn star Stormy Daniels as an immoral, corrupt grifter always trying to make a quick, dishonest buck. Outside court, they offer her a job for being ‘just the sort of person our campaign is looking for…’
Manchester’s troubled Co-Op Arena is set to finally open tonight with a gig by Elbow. Bosses had meant to book a band called Arse, but say they didn’t know the difference.
WEDNESDAY
The backlash to Piers Morgan’s interview with the ‘real’ Martha, the stalker portrayed in Baby Reindeer, intensifies. Critics say it was irresponsible to give a platform to such a desperate, attention-seeking fantasist – but he pulls in the big-name interviews, so what are you going to do?
THURSDAY
North Yorkshire Council stands firm in its belief there is no need for t’apostrophe in t’street signs or any of t’other places.
FRIDAY
Some drivers declare to the news manual gearboxes are on their way out: ‘At last, we’ll escape their evil clutches.’