Worst Brexiteer of the year
exercise”). Fishing communities were called fischergemeinden – literally “the act of praying for fish”. Anyone know the German for schadenfreude?
A year of humiliation for the so-called ‘Brain of Brexit’. He claimed that part of the reason for landlocked Switzerland’s financial success was that they are “outside the Common Fisheries Policy”. He wrote that the Windrush affair “proved the system worked”. He railed against the “EU’S unscientific ban on Argentine beef ” (70% of Argentina’s chilled beef exports go to the EU) and he moaned about banana tariffs hurting former British colonies (they don’t apply to African, Caribbean or Pacific bananas at all).
It ended with the Alliance of Conservatives and Reformists in Europe group formerly led by Hannan being ordered to repay nearly £500,000 of EU funds after an investigation into their spending. Some £225,000 of that was money claimed by ACRE for a three-day conference at a luxury Miami beach resort which had “an almost exclusively American audience” and an agenda that barely mentioned the EU.
Fond of moaning that the EU has contributed nothing to Britain, UKIP’S leader chose to stage his first party conference at Birmingham’s International Conference Centre. The ICC opened in 1991, thanks partly to a £50 million donation from the EU.
Batten’s other highlights included missing a public appearance at Lowestoft fish market’s morning auction because he overslept and breaking off from his war on Islam to declare war on high street bakers Greggs after reading they would “rebrand in a move towards a genderneutral business model following criticism that their name sounds too male”. He ranted on Twitter: “A cheese roll is a cheese roll. When is this madness going to stop?” Then someone pointed out that the Greggs story came from a spoof news website...
CAT-OWNING ’KIPPER Speaking at the February UKIP EGM which saw Henry Bolton sacked over his girlfriend’s racist tweets, an elderly delegate from Thanet told the crowd: “We all make mistakes, especially with wives. My second wife was considerably younger than me and she was a little bit feisty. What happened was I went with my second wife to a Conservative function and she decided to wear a see-through catsuit. The result was I was ostracised, she was ostracised and it took me a bit of time to get back to my position with the council. I suspect this is something like the situation we have at the moment.”
The party’s outgoing chairman later explained that despite this speech and Bolton’s dismissal, the day had gone well because “at our 2000 AGM a party member died of cardiac arrest. Today at this point every member is still with us. And on that basis, I consider today to be a success”.
Seen on the day of the recent confidence vote walking off the BBC’S Westminster podium rather than share screen time with his fellow Tory MP James Cleverly, Bridgen’s career highlight came in October when he revealed on Radio Five Live that he believed everyone in England is entitled to an Irish passport and vice-versa.
Bridgen told an audibly shocked Stephen Nolan: “As an English person I have the right to go to Ireland and I believe that I can ask for a passport, can’t I? I’m sure that currently we have a reciprocal agreement where I can go to Ireland and ask for an Irish passport and someone from Ireland can come to the UK and ask for a British passport. That’s the system we have, isn’t it?”
A staggering lack of research on
Europe done by this key member of the European Research Group!
The Sun columnist called on Theresa May to resign despite her victory in the confidence vote, claiming that the next prime minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland should be none other than busted flush/laughing stock/detailfree zone/real-life Rowley Birkin QC, David Davis.
Liddle wrote “Dominic Raab would not be a bad choice (Brex Factor note: He WOULD be a bad choice) but we need a clever little bastard who knows his stuff. So, you Tories – get behind David Davis. Cometh the hour, cometh the man.”
DD was outraged at being pressganged into approving the Chequers agreement on Friday, July 6 but only resigned as Brexit secretary on Monday, July 9. Coincidentally, the delay gave motorracing enthusiast Davis the opportunity to spend Sunday, July 8 as a VIP hospitality guest at the British Grand Prix, where he was spotted in the pits – a familiar venue for Brexiteers – and no doubt enjoyed all the chicanery. He later explained the gap between Chequers and his resignation with the words: “This was the sort of thing you have to think carefully about… this is not a simple or easy decision, it takes time”.
And where better to mull it over than in the calm and quiet of a Formula One race, where noise levels close to the track can reach 140db – as loud as a jet plane?
The nicotine-stained man-frog had tough times away from his lilypad in September. On tour in Australia, he drew fewer than 500 people to the 2,500-capacity Brisbane Town Hall and his Sydney gig was cancelled with less than half the tickets sold, despite the Tix.com website offering seats at 40% discount.
Later the same month, he headlined the first big Leave Means Leave rally at Bolton Wanderers’ University of Bolton Stadium. Alas, organisers had failed to notice that the north-west town was also hosting its annual Pride event on that day, meaning that Brexity attendees had to navigate their way past a mass LGBT+ parade to get to the venue.
Once Farage had finished spreading his own gospel of diversity and tolerance, loved-up Leavers were then able to head back into the town’s Victoria Square for a Pride party featuring live performances from KY Kelly and Davina De Camp.
The year began badly for Boris when, in January, researchers in Switzerland discovered he was the great-great-greatgreat-great-great-grandson of an 18th century woman whose syphilis-ridden mummy has been found buried under a church in
Basel. “It’s humiliating to find out you’re related to someone with such a notorious past,” said the syphilitic mummy.
Twelve months of turmoil followed, during which Johnson proposed the building of a ‘Brexit bridge’ between Britain and France. This idea was ridiculed when it was pointed out that (a) an already giant construction job would have to stand at least 500m above the waterline to stop cargo ships hitting it, (b) the Channel
Tunnel already exists and (c)
Boris had already squandered
£46 million on London’s Garden Bridge fiasco.
Bojo then pivoted to a
Brexit bridge between mainland Britain and Northern
Ireland, an idea which foundered when a retired offshore engineer pointed out that it would have to be partly built upon a Ministry of Defence dump of more than 1.5 tons of unexploded munitions. In addition, because of the great depth of much of the 22-mile route, the project would require 54 support towers of heights never achieved anywhere in the world.
“Brexit is more important than anyone but the Queen,” declared the chairman of the 1822 Committee, who began the year by posting an Instagram video of him teaching two-year-old son Alfred Wulfric Leyson Pius Rees-mogg to say “Brexit” (well, it’s a lot easier than learning to say “Alfred Wulfric Leyson Pius Rees-mogg”).
Crackers Jacob spent much of the 12 months railing against the idea of a People’s Vote despite starting the idea in the first place, having told the Commons in October 2011: “Indeed, we could have two referendums. It might make more sense to have the second referendum after the renegotiation is completed.”
But these kind of contradictions are nothing new to Hogwarts ghost JRM, who opposed the liberalisation of Irish abortion laws despite admitting that his investment firm put £5 million into pills used in abortions, and demanded a freeze on Russian assets in the UK after the Salisbury nerve agent attack despite his own investment firm having £217 million staked with Russian companies, including several banned from trading in the US. Somerset Capital Management also launched an investment fund in Dublin and warned prospective clients that the event of a hard
Brexit, “there is likely to be considerable uncertainty as to the position of the UK and the arrangements which will apply to its relationships with the EU”.
The Dickensian undertaker ended the year by explaining that while a 52%-48% win had been a clear mandate for Leave at the referendum, a 64%-36% victory for Theresa May in the confidence vote was a total disaster which meant she must resign immediately. He then changed his mind, something the won;t allow the British people to do.
So let us indulge in the floccinaucinihilipilification* of Jacob Rees-mogg, our Worst
Brexiteer Of 2018!
* The action or habit of estimating something as worthless.