BREX­I­TEERS OF THE WEEK

The New European - - Agenda -

4 SA­JID JAVID

The home sec­re­tary was forced to deny re­ports that he had given him­self a bizarre nick­name and be­gun us­ing it to de­scribe him­self in the third per­son dur­ing meet­ings, with phrases like “the Saj will sort that out” and “just you watch what the Saj is go­ing to do”.

A cab­i­net ri­val told the Sun: “It’s bizarre. I think he’s los­ing the plot.” A source close to Javid told the Mail the claims were “tripe” – or, more likely, said “the Saj says these claims are tripe”. Let’s hope this trend for short­en­ing your own name does not con­tinue, spar­ing us health sec­re­tary Matt Han­cock telling his col­leagues “wait ’til you find out what the

’Cock is up to”.

3 NI­CO­LAS AUJULA

The New Malden-based psychic told the Daily Star that Brexit would end up be­ing “re­ally pos­i­tive” but added “with things as huge as Brexit, it’s dif­fi­cult as you can­not switch off that log­i­cal side of your brain. But, I’m not see­ing the end re­sult as be­ing pos­i­tive, es­pe­cially eco­nom­i­cally. I’ve been see­ing a lot of vi­sions of prop­erty crashes, so I think that could be linked.” Aujula, who in pre­vi­ous lives claims to have been a deer, an

Egyp­tian queen, a lion, and a teacher dur­ing the French revo­lu­tion, added:

“I don’t fol­low pol­i­tics very closely my­self.”

2 A COCK­A­TOO

Ho­tel chain Trav­elodge have un­veiled a list of things left be­hind by for­get­ful guests in 2018. Among the more eye-catch­ing were a brand new ice-cream van, a chest of semi-pre­cious jew­els, an amaz­ing Tech­ni­colour Dream­coat, a replica of Meghan Markle’s wed­ding dress, a five-foot teddy bear made en­tirely out of pop­corn and three but­ter­fly-tailed fish named Kim, Kourt­ney and Khloe. Well, we’ve all done it. But what are we to make of one item stranded at Brighton Seafront Trav­elodge, a blue-eyed cock­a­too called Brexit? No news, alas, of whether the care­less owner sim­ply de­cided that, rather than hear the same repet­i­tive phrases screeched over and over, they’d rather just watch an interview with Theresa May

in­stead.

1 LOWRI TURNER

The for­mer host of DIY SOS, now a celebrity nu­tri­tion­ist/ hyp­nother­a­pist, popped up on Chan­nel 5’s Jeremy Vine to claim that Brits ap­ply­ing for an Ir­ish pass­port to avoid los­ing their right to free move­ment af­ter Brexit were “very mer­ce­nary” and “a bit grubby”.

When viewer Emma Collins phoned in to say she was be­ing forced to ap­ply for Ir­ish ci­ti­zen­ship as her bank­ing job had moved to Dublin, Turner replied: “I went into my lo­cal bank re­cently and all the peo­ple be­hind the counter were not Bri­tish. Many bank jobs are not held by Bri­tish peo­ple any­way.” Alas, these words were not much com­fort to Emma, who spent much of her call in tears.

It’s a new land­mark in em­pa­thy for Lowri, who in 2007 wrote a Daily Mail ar­ti­cle head­lined “I love my mixed race baby – but why does she feel so alien?”

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