More Roamerisms from the 1980s
Jean Pardoe was on sentry duty at the West Highland Museum. She sold two tickets to an elderly couple. Off they went to enjoy the delights. A quarter of an hour later the man came down the stair and out into the sunshine. After a couple of minutes a man came in, brandishing an admission ticket, and walked straight past Jean’s desk and up the stairs. ‘Funny, thought Jean, ‘there’s something a bit different about that bloke.’ So off she went, up the stairs to take a look at him. And Jean finished up getting ticket money off the man who, it transpired, was an identical twin of the ‘party of the first part’. Jean had noted there was a subtle difference and caught them at it. So the museum was 50 pence better off and a potential minor con trick was foiled. Full marks to Jean for her powers of observation and tenacity.
How are you getting on with the phones, then, now that Fort subscribers have three score and ten in front of their four figure numbers? Go on, admit it, you nearly always forget to dial 70 first when you’re making a local call!
There’ll be an eruption before Christmas if the forecast of Lochaber’s Poll Tax liability proves anything like correct. It would appear the tax and rents are supposed to subsidise the £1 million plus which is to be doled out for the Brackletter Tip. So that’s calculated to put us all down in the dumps.
The Banavie hills are alive to the sound of the Magnificent Seven Henderson music makers. And it’s nice to hear their Badabrie neighbours say how much they enjoy the alfresco renditions and bagpipe recitals in the garden of Tigh a Chiuil – The House of Music.
Mobile trader puts the key in the ignition of his van. Key breaks. Temporary alternative means of transport required. So he hires another van. Fills up with petrol. Too late he discovers it should have been diesel. Mobile driver’s wife enquires of me next day, how can a mobile trader do anything so daft?
As Drew was announcing the teams and the officials over the tannoy at Claggan Park, he was chittering with the cold. So much so that when he was at the stage of naming the linesmen he give Nigel his full title, but hiccupped when he got to Chick. ‘I can’t remember Chick’s surname,’ he hissed at his co-announcer. ‘Murray’, came the nonchalant response. I suppose on the basis that all linesmen are comedians.
Brian Ball, doyen of freelance football reporters, was comparing notes with me at the Fort v Peterhead match on Saturday. For me, as a mere hack, it was educational. We agreed that Dougie Masson had netted in 25 minutes, Midge Shearer in 26 and that Davie Revie had arrived on his bike after 27. And Fort William FC president Colin Neilson won the raffle – in extra time. It’s such attention to detail that ensures the accuracy of our reports.
Alex Scotland of the Sunday Mail had an interesting ‘Scotland’ experience on Tuesday. He came up by train from Glasgow ‘to see the Lochaber lights’. To while away the hours, Alex indulged himself with a couple of drinks from the trolley. As the train made its way across Rannoch Moor, the catering lady reappeared, but without trolley. ‘Would you like another drink, sir?’ asked she. Alex would. ‘I’ll have another wee bottle of white wine, please,’ he replied. This brought the amazing response from the trolley vendor of ‘How many drinks have you had, sir?’ Alex was dumbfounded, but then managed to gasp: ‘I’ve had two so far, actually. Am I going to be breathalysed on the train?’ The ScotRail lady laughed and then explained. ‘Well I’m afraid that’s your lot. We only carry two wee bottles of white wine – and you’ve had them both!’ Aye, welcome to the Highlands, Mr Scotland!
‘Knickers’! Who said that? Everyone in Lochaber, it seems. This subject has certainly been entertaining a lot of folk. Plenty of them have been quick to point out – and the long and the short of it is now part of local lore - that a number of ladies have been finding it difficult to be suitably supplied, foundation-garment wise, by Fort shops and stores. But the town retailers have been quick to respond to ensure the open market doesn’t annexe all the sales. Peter MacLennan advised immediately that the family firm had 20 types of knickers of all sizes in stock – even some that would ‘fit an elephant’! And Nellie (!) not only organised a window display of the usually unmentionable items, she backed this up with a notice which read, simply, ‘Drathaisan Gu Leor’. Even John Steel – aye, him again – got in on the act. Within hours he was displaying a pair of knickers in the window of one of his shops. They must have sold quickly, because there was no sign of them later in the day. A discontinued line, perhaps.
Children in Need fundraising is with us again. Local organisations are, as always, doing plenty to raise money. For example, you’ll see some Round Table members dressed as mutant Round Tablers collecting cash at the Esso and Road to the Isles Filling stations. Meanwhile, in Cameron Square, there will be a 12hour table football challenge involving teams from either side of the High Street. It will be Augustus Barnett v Victoria Wine, in the battle of the off licences, with staff and customers entering into the spirit of the event. Then there’s the Clydesdale tackling the TSB in a five-a-side woman only football match at Black Parks.