More items from the Retro Roamer columns of 30 years ago
* A 17-man syndicate from the BA fitting shop won the £34,722 first dividend in Vernon’s Pools at the weekend. Their £1 a head perm brought them eight score draws in a line, in a week when there were only nine score draws on the coupon. Fittingly, and with great attention to detail, they all landed £2,000, with some of the balance deposited in the BA Club.
* When is a Fort William town holiday not a Fort William town holiday? When it falls on the Ides of March, it would seem. The majority of the High Street shops were shut, while most of the High Street public service departments were open. At least, with the old style fast days, everyone knew what was happening or not happening – in town.
* You have to marvel at some of the use and nuances of the English language. Take this three word sentence, for example: ‘Four hour tour’. All pronounced differently. No wonder the ‘furriners’ get confused.
* Interesting to learn the region’s divisional planning office is making its recommendations on the ‘Views from the Fort’s new Relief Road’. They quote the Local Plan as recognising that the relief road/ bypass has ‘opened up to view the rather unfortunate rear elevations of properties on the southern side of the High Street’. Among those included, as an example of unsympathetic modern local buildings by the planning people, is the ‘drab, horizontal, flat-roofed structure of Tweeddale’. Tweeddale is, of course, the Fort William nerve centre of the region’s own divisional planning office!
* Now that Lochaber District Council’s environmental health services committee has outlawed smoking at its meetings, you’ll never guess what members have chosen as their latest ‘fix’ for soothing their nerves during the usually protracted Lochaber House proceedings. Cans of soft drinks are now finding their way into the Chamber of Hallows. Of course, with discussions concentrating on the environment, you can rest assured the empty tins will be taken away and disposed of in the town’s litter bins. Did I say ‘litter bins’? ‘Whereabouts are they?’ says you.
* Outside the NUPE /Fort William FC club, the action on Saturday really was ‘the berries’. In the car park, if not on Claggan Park, though the Fort v Deveronvale match was entertaining enough. Roamer, aye me, had arrived lateish, but still half an hour ahead of Davie Revie. I parked the car close to the banking. Then I remembered the essential implement for Fort home games – the big, huge umbrella – was still in the boot. Opened it up, retrieved brolly and banged down the lid. It caught on a couple of very small branches of a berry bush. At the time, I said to myself ‘must remember to open the boot at the end of the game and free these wee branches’. Rushed back to the car park at full time to file my reports for the Sunday papers. Put the brolly (wet) on the floor beside the passenger seat. Then I started to drive off. Next thing there's much shouting and hoots of derisive laughter. There they all were, Standites and Clagganites, pointing at the back of the car. Got out, and there, clinging to the closed boot, was quite a bit of a berry bush. ‘We’d better read about this in Roamer,’ was the concerted chorus. So, here you are. I managed to extract the branches and, by now, the place was heaving with spectators. Then John Sandison appeared and, as Claggan Park groundsman, volunteered to carry out any repatriating. ‘I only planted that bush last week,’ John told me. Aye, this one took the biscuit – and the bush.
* How about the Corpach housewife who lost her purse last week, £17-odd in it. She went home, very upset. Not long afterwards there was a knock on her door. A wee boy was standing on the step. ‘Have you lost anything missus?’ asks he. Came the reply: ‘Yes, my purse.’ The wee shaver then asked her to describe it. Full details given. ‘And how much was in it?’ the youngster continued. Methodically. ‘£17’, came the answer. At that, the lad said. ‘Near enough. It’s £17.20.’ Whereupon he handed over purse and contents. And he wouldn’t take even the 20p for his trouble and honesty. Aye, it restores your faith, doesn’t it.
* Then there was the local railwayman who had a phone call from a ‘higher authority’. ‘I’d like you to work your rest day, next Monday,’ he was advised. The response was this classic put-down. ‘Well, that’ll be a bit difficult. I retire this Saturday.’
* On May 28, Lochaber House sent out an invitation to councillors to attend a meeting of the environmental health services committee – to be held on April 21. So it’s not just the local extras in ‘Highlander’ who are timeless.
* If, like me, you don’t know what a £20 note looks like, you’ll have no problem with the forgeries which are apparently kicking about Lochaber. Meanwhile, it’s lamentable that one large Fort William store won’t accept £50 notes – whatever they are – to the extent that customers are told to go along to the bank to get them changed into smaller denominations. Meanwhile everyone behind you at the checkout just has to wait. That’s business?
* Now that Sammy has got planning permission for his chip shop in Caol, we can look forward to dining a la carte instead of a la van.
* Lots of weddings in Lochaber these days, even during the World Cup. It was nice to see the couple who tied the knot last Saturday being given the Freedom of the Fort – the old-fashioned way – in a trailer pulled along the High Street by a LandRover.