Retro Roamer
A retrospective look at the Roamer columns of the early 1990s
News from the piste is that middle-aged pseudo skier Willie Anderson has failed in his attempt to descend one of the more difficult Aonach Mor ski runs – The Nid Wall. Nevis Range had been hoping to make a film of this epic endeavour, but for Will this was a ridge too far. Now the word is that fellow Fountainbridger Sean Connery is to be his stand-in for the next bid. Not only do they have the Edinburgh connection, they have similar hairstyles.
Lochaber Development Committee discussed Fort William’s land and sea communications. A helicopter service was mentioned (again). A hovercraft possibly. Even fixed-wing aeroplanes if a local landing strip (not Camesky?) could be found. Councillors Purdon surfaced with another possibility. ‘Have we thought of a submarine service between here and Oban?’ he asked.
Supermarket plans were unveiled to some members of the Lochaber public last Tuesday, giving a few hours notice of intent. As one local worthy put it: ‘We were better catered for when the Bellman went round telling the townspeople what was happening in and around the Fort.’ Aye, and not so many bellrings ago there was free provision for the display of posters and notices on the railings around the Kennedy Monument in Cameron Square. Locals – and visitors – certainly got to know what was going on in town.
The referee at the Fort v Clach match at Claggan Park on Saturday sent off a sheepdog. The black and white cross-collie ‘invaded’ the pitch during the game. Technically it was in Clach colours, right enough. So its presence on the field gave rise to some caustic comments. All the while, Iain Dhu was sitting in the stands wondering why the dog warden hadn’t put in an appearance. Eventually the very cross cross-collie was collared and sent off – for persistent fouling.
What do you think about the Corgis biting the hands that feed them? The ungloved hands of a couple of Royals, that is, one of whom required three stitches in her wound. And not a Windsor dog warden in sight. Incidentally, Morag and her husband Len reside in Royal Windsor. But they’re coming up to Corpach soon. With their surname, there’s no way they’ll be risking being rounded up – in Windsor Great Park.
At the beginning of this year, Mallaig Lifeboat was called out – to a road accident on Knoydart! As a result, the crew brought in the New Year with a drink of soup. As a result of their enforced presence at the other side of Loch Nevis, an admirer brought them several packets of cup-a-soup. And along with this liquid nourishment, Jacqui de Wolfe also paid poetic tribute to the lifeboatmen, entitled ‘Ode to the Isles’. Jacqui’s poem goes like this: Some people think it sensible
To join a company
So when you have a breakdown They’ll mend your car for free. Others, when they’re stranded, Are happy enough to pay
For the promises of a service Twenty four hours a day.
But, like lots of good ideas Which, in theory, look alright, The crunch can come in a lonely lane
In the middle of the night. Hour upon hour in the rain and cold,
Waiting patiently Wondering why on earth you paid This year’s call-out fee,
It’s because of this that many folk Having reached the end of their tether
Will be pleased to know there’s now a team
Who’ll come out in any weather. There’s only one condition
You must stick to the coast like glue If you want to be attended to By this new recovery crew.
It’s no good breaking down in Leeds
Or Cheltenham or Frome Without some sea they can’t reach you
And you might as well walk home. So plan your journeys with great care
And never stray inland, Go everywhere by coastal road And they’ll always lend a hand They’ll sail across the ocean This trusty rescue group
And if they cannot mend your car At least you’ll get some soup However nice the patrolmen Appear on TV ads
You’ll still be so much safer with The Mallaig Lifeboat lads.
Over in Caol, Audrey was getting herself ready for work, titivating herself at home in Glenkingie Street. Meanwhile Audrey’s niece Isla was playing outside the bathroom. Somehow Isla removed the handle from the door leaving Audrey locked in the lavatory. Mum Helen had a go at removing the facing of the door to get it open. Audrey, however, is breakfastless and likely to be late for work. And she is not too keen on climbing out of the bathroom window in case Alec’s hoodie crow gets in among her heated rollers. So, if you saw a breakfast tray being handed through a bathroom window in Caol the other morning, at least you now know Audrey got something to eat while she was otherwise engaged.