More Roamerisms from the early 1990s
❚ ‘It’s nice to be nice’ is one of Lochaber’s most popular sayings. So let’s start by providing a pleasant observation before the column comments get a bit more caustic as we go along.
Right, then, isn’t the Parade looking an absolute picture these days? Partly due, right enough, to the legacy of flowers and plants remaining there from the royal visit. The Parade, indeed, is a credit to Fort William, a colourful and pleasant testimony to the foresight of the town’s Cameron-Campbell/Fairfax-Lucy family in providing the ground in perpetuity for the local and visiting public. Our own ‘Dear Green Place’ is a veritable oasis in a Fort William which, otherwise, often presents a somewhat tired impression.
❚ Gist of a letter to Fort William and Lochaber Tourist Board. From an intending visitor who lives in Surrey : ‘Dear Sir or Madam, are there any houses or small hotels on or around Skye that provide B&B and evening meals? Also are there buses or coaches from Skye to the Scottish cities? I would prefer to go off peak in April, May or June. How would I get there? PS – Can I use English money in Skye? Yours Etc, Mrs -----’
❚ Meanwhile, Granny Jenny and Great Auntie Sadie were up from Cambuslang for the week. On Tuesday they went on a coach trip – to Skye. At Kyle they were able to get off the bus and walk about to stretch their legs. They were given instructions as to when to get back on board. But the pair of them were so taken with the scenery, and were chatting away like grannies and great aunties do, that they managed to miss the bus! However, they’re home now.
❚ Stroppy bloke causing havoc in the restaurant of a town hotel. Had the waitresses running around with his requests. ‘Get me this.’ ‘Bring me that.’ ‘It isn’t what I wanted – take it away!’ All the diners at the other tables were sympathising with the staff as this guy was being really awkward. Then, when everything was nearly to his satisfaction, he called for a whisky. The dram was borne in on a silver tray, and set down in front of him. Whereupon he picked up the bottle of white vinegar from his table, and, thinking it was water, topped up his glass. At least our difficult diner didn’t have the gall to complain about that.
❚ The ‘Pulsating Plumbers’ were up in the Fort’s higher reaches last week. Into the house at Number 29 in a certain road they went. Showed their I/D and then proceeded to drain the hot water cylinder. Meanwhile some carping carpenters and exasperated electricians were awaiting the arrival of the ‘Pulsating Plumbers’ at No 29 in a different road. Eventually, all the tradesmen caught up with each other, and the right house for treatment was finally agreed. But the plumbers got a right s(lagging), I can tell you.
❚ Like much of Corpach, the canal railway bridge at Banavie was closed for part of Tuesday. It wouldn’t realign – even though a Land Rover tried to take the bridge in tow to pull it into place. Which explains why the new station at Loch Eil Outward Bound was so busy. It became the temporary terminus on the Mallaig Line. (Remember, Corpach was closed).
❚ Donald and David betook themselves to Dingwall for the Ross County v Fort William cup tie. Into the ground they went. Into the stand, indeed. ‘Boy, it’s cheap for a stand seat here’, Donald enthused, ‘Only a pound each to watch the match in comfort.’ David agreed it was great value – even if the game was not going in Fort’s favour. On the way out, Donald caught sight of the notice at that particular entrance. ‘Only OAPS and Children at this Gate’, it read. I wonder which category Donald and David came under!
❚ I’ve kept the good wine till nearly the last. ‘You can’t come in here with that bottle!’ remonstrated Neil at the door of the Pulp Mill Club, prior to the Wolfstone gig. The lassie, clutching the nice line in wine tried to explain. But Neil went on, ‘I’m sorry, but you’re not allowed to take your own drink into the club’. Quite reasonably, the girl – a local young farmer, in fact – managed to take the chance to state her case. ‘It’s not for me to drink,’ she told Neil. ‘This bottle of wine is one of tonight’s raffle prizes.’ Shades of the night when Philomena Begley was asked by another Pulp Mill doorman for entry money – to her own concert!
❚ Now the annual 100,000 hardy souls who keep right on to the end of the road on the West Highland Way can relax with a dram of their ‘very own’ whisky. ‘The End Blend’ is being retailed at the Scottish Crafts – and Whisky Centre in Fort William. It’s selling well in miniatures to the Fort’s daily invasion of West Highland Wayfarers. The wee label on the bottle depicts a backpacker in ‘shorts’ – well, it would, wouldn’t it? – completing the long and winding road at the End of the Way, as indicated by a Fort William signpost. Says the man behind the specially produced tipple, ‘As the West Highland Way officially finishes in Fort William, I thought the walkers would appreciate a wee souvenir of their journey in liquid form to mark the fact they’ve successfully reached The End.