Ask Mary Mary Kenny
QA cousin of mine, to whom I’m close, is caring for both her husband and her mother, both suffering from forms of dementia. She is dutiful in the extreme, and I can’t get her to take a break. She does have some back-up help, and her mother is not as badly affected as her husband, but my cousin is an only child and feels she must dedicate herself completely to her caring role. In her early years, she didn’t get on particularly well with her mother but now she feels the need to do as much as possible. Other family members offer support to some degree (not always satisfactorily) but she seems to want to take it all on her own shoulders. I’d love her to come to Spain with me on holiday – is there any way I can persuade her? I fear she’s turning herself into a martyr. A L, Wales.
A I had an aunt who used to say ‘When you’re too good, you’re no good’: you can run yourself ragged in trying to do your best for everyone. I trust you’ve warned her that she could face burn-out unless she takes respite breaks. Without nagging, you could tell her, truthfully, that she will be all the better in her caring role after taking a relaxing holiday away from it all. Yet some individuals, while being entirely loving and altruistic, nonetheless find a role of control and command in being the carer. You mention that your cousin didn’t get along that well with her mother in previous times – perhaps she also genuinely wants to compensate for that lost time now. Keep offering ideas for little away-day treats or holiday breaks: but in the end, if she finds fulfilment in this situation, even if you consider it self-martyrdom, you have to let her do it her way.
QA teenage nephew is attending a major public school, and he tells me that four or five boys in his form have come out as gay. The school is very open and understanding, and so on, but I do wonder if the sexuality of teenagers should really be categorised in such a black-and-white way during their adolescent years. I seem to remember that people went through all kinds of ‘phases’ in my schooldays, but I believe it’s unacceptable to suggest this nowadays - you have to be either ‘gay’ or ‘straight’. Should I make that point to the boy? Name and address supplied.
AWhen the subject next arises, perhaps you should provide him with a copy of Brian Sewell’s engaging autobiography, Outsider: Always
Almost: Never Quite (available via Amazon). Sewell writes that at his own public school in the 1940s, every boy in his form engaged in homosexual relations: twenty years later, nearly all these chaps, except himself, were married to women and were fathers of families. It is useful for young people to read autobiography and biography to understand social change – it’s seldom as black and white as contemporary attitudes would claim. I dare say the school is striving to be tolerant and kind, and that’s praiseworthy. But the teenage years can indeed be fluid (not to say confused) and it’s a point worth making.
QI am a very socially active lady of senior years, and normally I go to a lot of parties, especially around this time of the year. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is known to be a Brexiteer in our social circle in London, and I’m dismayed to observe that the party invitations have measurably reduced over the past few months. I’m afraid that being labelled as a Brexiteer is most unfashionable among the literati, the glitterati, and the celebrity circles in which we have moved. How can I recapture that generous array of invitations on my mantelpiece? ‘Cassandra’, London NW1.
AYes, it certainly seems that being a ‘Brexiteer’ carries a stigma of disapproval among fashionable circles in the metropolis. You would probably not wish to move to, say, the Kent-essex estuary area, where matters are viewed rather differently. What you must do is this: throw a very smart preChristmas drinks party, and strive with every fibre to get Boris Johnson to come along: even the most ardent Continental Eurocrats love sitting next to Boris at dinner and he would undoubtedly ensure a dazzling soirée and a personal softening of attitudes in your circle. But time will modify all these social anxieties anyway – Iain Martin, the brilliant economics commentator, says that City of London Remainers are now grasping new opportunities in Brexit and where money leads, fashionable society soon follows. I’m sure you will soon experience a revival of social invitations.