Rant Alan Brownjohn

Faith, France, Fame, Female: the four Fs. I have been lucky enough to achieve three out of four.

(a) Faith. Despite many vicissitudes over 37 years, I am fortunate to retain my Roman Catholic faith. (The Church is a strange mixture of truth and error but I try to cling on to what is true about it. The errors are man-made, of course.)

(b) France is always there despite being, like the UK, in a terrible mess at present. I don’t go over as much as I used to (300 visits in forty years) because (i) I have been ill; (ii) the poor exchange rate since Brexit; (iii) fear of terrorism. Visitors to la belle France this summer were down ten per cent, which is a lot.

(c) Fame. I quite often get asked for my autograph aboard the cross-channel ferries. When I have given it, the recipient looks down and says ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were Auberon Waugh.’ This is amusing rather than insulting since poor Bron has been dead for some years. Richard Ingrams, once of this parish, said that he had made him famous via Private Eye and myself courtesy of this publication. What a bizarre coupling.

(d) Female. This is the one I have failed at, I guess. Sitting alone in a restaurant of an evening, as I often do (I hate cooking for myself) I often wonder which pair of sparkling eyes I would like to be gazing into across the table. As it happens, I am in love with two women at the moment, one of whom is about to marry one of my best friends and the second, who happens to be my optician, is married already. There is very little I can do about this. Perhaps if I give up lusting after women, young women in particular, someone nice (and beautiful) will come along.

Meanwhile, I battle on, thankful to (a) for my restored health, to (b) that she is always there, won’t go away and will eventually quieten down, as she always does. I can live with (c) because it is as good a way as any for getting a good table in that fancy restaurant. As for (d), well, never give up. She is out there somewhere, possibly gazing fondly at somebody else. I am going to have to ‘cut in’, I guess. I have done so before, so please don’t underestimate me.

The future? Well, ‘the grave’s a fine and private place’, as the poet said, ‘But none I think do there embrace’.