Ten top tips

1 Find a gym near where you live. If it’s more than half a mile away, you’ll find reasons not to go.

2 Don’t do more than 45–60 minutes – what you did in the PE class at school. Three one-hour sessions is better than one three-hour session.

3 Gyms are emptyish mid-morning and mid-afternoon. They’re like Piccadilly in the gym rush hours: before breakfast, at lunchtime and at 6.55pm.

4 Resistance machines, which allow you to calibrate output and take it easy when necessary, are best for the upper body. For more fluid exercise, go to the crosstrainer. An hour, even at resistance mark three (out of fifteen), will use up to 600 calories. 5 Most gyms have recliner bicycles, where you can read while pedalling. 6 Don’t be afraid to complain if the Muzak oppresses. Bring your own mobile and, via earphones, tune into Radio 3 or whatever. It passes the time.

7 Despise Spandex, ‘energy drinks’, or anything with a designer label. Dress like the Estragon you saw in the last production of Waiting for Godot. Or worse. Preferably in something with lots of pockets that you can get into and out of easily. Balancing on one foot, wrestling with tight trousers, is humiliating.

8 Don’t wear shorts unless you’re nostalgic for the Butlin’s Camp Knobbly Knees Competition. 9 Use the weight machine. And keep a diary note of what it tells you. 10 Remember to hydrate with water – a litre an hour. Don’t buy it. And enjoy your workout, as the cross-trainer says. Or get a dog.