Cookery Elisabeth Luard
THE WAR AGAINST FUSS
Heavyweight rude boy Jonathan Meades, sometime restaurant critic of the Times relocated to the Riviera, takes no prisoners in his own kitchen. Not a squirt, drizzle or garnish sullies the purity of The Plagiarist in the Kitchen (Unbound, £20).
He disapproves of faff, fuss, inventive chefing (pointless) or anything that smacks of art-on-a-plate. The underlying message is that cooking is a craft: under no circumstances is it art. To plagiarise Gore Vidal, art should always be different and craft must always be the same: it follows that craft depends on plagiarism. Gottit? I knew you would.
Soufflés have no need of flour (proceed with just eggs). When skinning and boning brains after poaching, seek out an unsqueamish, preferably stoned kitchen intern to do the job for you. When shopping for testicles at a French butcher, enquire delicately after coquilles, rognons blancs, valseuses, amourettes or, with a coquettish blush, joyeuses.
Give this book to your pretentious foodie friends. The great man’s words are in italics. The rest is plagiarised by me. Dr Meades’s faff-free cheese soufflé Separate half a dozen eggs (start again if even a speck of yolk lands in the whites), whisk the whites till stiff, beat the yolks till fluffy and fold in a good handful of finely-grated cheese (100g Comté to 50g pecorino); combine not too thoroughly, spoon into a lavishly-buttered soufflé dish and bake at 200C for 30-35 minutes. Serve immediately (that’s an order).
Lamb hearts Slice the hearts as wafer-thin as possible. Heat spiced oil until smoking. Put in the slices of heart. Cook for a minute. Turn and cook for another minute. Sprinkle lightly with vinegar. Note: to prepare spiced oil, choose among small chillis, peppercorns, coriander seeds, fennel twigs, garlic cloves, bayleaf, mustard seeds, lemon rind, dried tomatoes, squeeze into small bottles and top up with oil. Allow a couple of weeks before using.
Hollandaise
To serve 2 needs 3 yolks, 150g almostmelted butter, lemon juice and water: whisk the eggs with a splash of water and a slug of lemon juice in a bain-marie over just-simmering water. Add butter timidly. Never stop whisking.
Gratin dauphinois No cheese. Rowley Leigh includes goat’s cheese and Paul Bocuse adds Gruyère. Both are wrong. All you need are waxy, non-collapsible potatoes sliced 2-3mm thick, mixed with cream and crushed garlic, spread in a buttered gratin dish, dotted with more butter and baked in a low oven (140C) for 90 minutes.
Rosti Find potatoes and duck fat or olive oil. Resist any additions. Grate potato finely, soak in cold water, wring dry in hands or a clean cloth to get rid of starch. Form discs 100mm across, up to 12mm deep. Place in hot fat/oil. Push down to bind. Cook gently for 6/7 minutes a side until crisp.