Ask Virginia Ironside
virginia ironside
Oldies and shorties
Q Has anyone else found they’re getting shorter as they age? I was horrified, on giving my height at a local hospital, and then being measured, to find that I’ve lost three centimetres in the past two years! Diana, Northamptonshire
A Don’t worry – we’re all turning into dwarves as we age. By my estimate, by the time I’m a hundred I’ll be about the height of a daisy. The cartilage in our spines is shrinking, sadly. The good news is that most people of our age are diminishing as well; so you’ll still retain your place in the pecking order of height.
Will drugs work?
Q My daughter of thirty has been depressed for months now and her doctor is very keen for her to try antidepressants. My daughter doesn’t want to go down that route, saying they’re ‘addictive’. I’ve suggested counselling or going on one of those brainwashing courses where you go to a hotel and they wear you down and build you up, but she says she’s frightened of that. But nothing I suggest seems to work. Bella, by email
A Antidepressants are not meant to be addictive – but obviously, if they work, people don’t want to give them up. There is a lot of evidence to prove they do work, and a lot of evidence to prove that, while they may appear to work, they only have a placebo effect. But who cares if it’s a placebo effect or not? It’s worth giving them a go. I would beg her to try them just for two months – and I speak as a complete sceptic about them. Just because they don’t do a thing for me, it doesn’t mean I don’t know many people whose lives have been changed by them. But have you tried giving her lots of love and sympathy yourself, as her mother? This may be what she really wants. It does rather sound as if you’re trying to shove her away from you by suggesting all kinds of outside fixes when the answer may be to reinforce the connection between you and her, within the family. Read Lost Connections – Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression – and the Unexpected Solutions. It’s by Johann Hari – himself a sufferer from depression.
Print’s too charming
Q Please can you help? I’m addicted to reading newspapers and magazines. I find nearly all social interaction pretty boring, except when alleviated by drink. When sober, I’d much prefer to be reading than talking or listening, even to my adorable, very interesting wife, who has nobly put up with my habit for 34 years. At the same time, I see it’s important to have a social life and don’t want to become a hermit. Name and address supplied
A Who says it’s important to keep up a social life? Your wife? If so, why not compromise with her by attending – or hosting – two social events a week, bolstered by gallons of alcohol if you must, and don’t whine if she wants to go out on her own. You’re not going to change the habit of a lifetime after all these years. You probably prefer the rather introverted world of reading to the extrovert world of chatting and gossiping. Is it because you’re frightened of getting close to people? Perhaps. But it’s only worth trying to find out if you really want to change, and even then it would take a lot of effort to plumb the depths to find out where this fear originated. The image of a husband hiding behind a newspaper and not hearing anything anyone else says isn’t a universal image for nothing. It’s because lots of blokes are like this – and you’re another one.
Too much time
Q Now I’ve retired, my friends have said I ought to take a course to learn something new – playing the piano, or Italian. They’re all busy boning up on the origins of French architecture or Chinese porcelain or italic handwriting. My problem is that I have no interest in any of the subjects that they suggest. And learning a language seems dotty because I don’t want to travel too far these days and everyone in Europe speaks English better than I’ll ever be able to speak German or whatever. But I’m a bit bored. What do you suggest? Alice Weston, by email
A Have you thought of teaching rather than learning? Teaching has the advantage of being a completely unselfish activity and, having done a tiny bit of amateur tutoring myself, I’ve discovered that you learn far more by teaching than learning. On top of that, what goes on in the act of teaching is a revelation, and you have the bonus of a relationship with another person, albeit they may be a bit thick or uninterested. When a pupil ‘gets’ something you’re trying to put across, the feeling of pleasure and achievement is enormous. Give it a whirl.
Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk – I will answer every email that comes in; and let me know if you would like your dilemma to be confidential