Ask Virginia Ironside
Did I say thanks?
Q I attended a dinner party two weeks ago and suddenly I was struck by a thought: had I written to say thank you? As I can’t remember, should I write another letter anyway, just in case? Andrew, Kensington
A No. The second letter will diminish the impact of the first if you sent it. There will be bound to be repetitions – wonderful supper, brilliant company etc. What you should do is to ring up and just chat about general things and then add a verbal thank you for a wonderful evening. Or send a postcard saying that the memory of such a great evening still lingers… what fun it was. That’ll get you off the hook.
Unsympathetic daughter
Q Recently, when asked by my daughter how I was, I very unwisely told her. I told her about my migraines, dodgy heart, arthritic fingers and emphysema. I was expecting a little friendly sympathy but all she said was: ‘Well, I’m afraid you are getting old. It is just something you have to come to terms with.’ It was said very sweetly but I can’t help brooding on it. Annette, by email
A You might be more likely to get sympathy from a friend than a daughter. Children can be marvellous in dealing with their parents’ frailty, but some find it painful to discover that the person they used to rely on is now relying on them. Your reply should have been something like ‘Well, it’s something we both have to come to terms with isn’t it?’ Alternatively, keep your organ recitals to yourself until the grim reaper is actually knocking at the door.
Reluctant to share
Q Now that my husband has died, I have two options. I can either sell my house and downsize – or get a lodger. It would mean sharing my bathroom and kitchen, which I’m not very keen on, but there is no way to convert my house into two dwellings. My son wants me to downsize, but I have been living in my house for thirty years and at 75 would find it very difficult, not to say expensive, to move. Emily Carter, Hereford
A Get a lodger first. If that doesn’t work out, you can always downsize. But get a builder round to see whether you couldn’t fit a tiny kitchen or a shower into the lodger’s room – or on a landing or somewhere. Minuscule kitchens are all the rage and they can be no bigger than a small cupboard, which includes a tiny hob, sink and fridge. If the worst came to the worst, a microwave, a toaster and a kettle would just about do. If you do try a lodger, make it clear at the outset that you want very little noise, no friends staying over and no dogs. Explain that you’re not looking for a close relationship with whoever it is. You can always warm up a cold relationship in the future if you want, but you can’t cool a warm one down without upsetting everyone. And be sure you get a friend of a friend. That way you each have a hold over the other.
A scandalous accusation
Q Recently I was introduced over lunch to a man who was intelligent and clever but not attractive to me except as a companion who walked me home. We met again a couple of times for lunch and exchanged a few emails about Regency architecture. I then heard from a mutual friend that his girlfriend had hacked into his emails and claimed I was causing a scandal and breaking up their relationship. What can I do? I don’t even know where he lives, and certainly don’t want to see him again. C B, Salisbury
A Drop it. He sounds a nasty piece of work and I wouldn’t be surprised if he weren’t always pursuing women with no intent other than to create havoc in his relationship. No doubt he’s the one who let slip that something was up to his girlfriend. Some couples actually get off on these intense emotional scenes and it feels to me as if you’ve been used as something of a pawn to spice up their lives. Thank your lucky stars you didn’t get more involved.
READERS RESPOND
I’ve just read the letter (April issue) about the First World War cemeteries and I cry too. But it’s not because I feel any guilt as a survivor of war. It’s those rows and rows of white headstones which show how many were killed so needlessly. They died because the leaders of warring countries were unable or unwilling to seek peaceful means to resolve their issues. Robert, Stirling I read the letter from John (Spring issue), who can no longer drive due to cataracts. I have just had one eye done and the improvement has been miraculous. I am seriously considering paying for the other to be done also – even though it is not yet ready for an NHS operation. Roger, by email
Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk – I will answer every email that comes in; and let me know if you would like your dilemma to be confidential