Ask Virginia Ironside
A true lonely heart
QI’ve been married over 30 years, but for the past 15 my wife has suffered from a degenerative condition. She used to be active, energetic and fun, and now she’s completely dependent on me and carers who come in four times a day. True conversations are a thing of the past.
Watching her disintegrate like this is incredibly distressing and, despite wonderful family and friends, I’m increasingly lonely. I’m afraid I’ve resorted not only to porn sites but occasional prostitutes – but I find this meaningless and degrading. Dating agencies are a rip-off, and they’re anyway for genuine singles only. And I will never abandon my wife, despite what you must be thinking of me.
Who would have an affair with a creep who would play behind the back of someone so stricken? And yet I live in hope of finding what Katharine Hepburn once described as ‘the perfect marriage’ – live close by and visit often. I want to be more than the mythical ‘friend with benefits’ and long to find a woman with whom to build a grown-up, rounded relationship. Name and address supplied
AMy heart bleeds for you. And I don’t feel you’re in any way a ‘creep’. Don’t feel guilty. You’re a human being, and we all long for love and closeness, even if it’s only occasional. There must be many women who are in exactly the same position as you – looking after an ailing partner – and it’s just a matter of finding one. Anyway, some women prefer being independent and, perhaps after a long marriage, don’t want to get hitched again but, like you, would just like a sexy, loving friend in the background. Go on dating sites, and put your cards on the table. You sound like such a decent, caring, honest man that I can’t believe there aren’t women who would love to meet you. Put a small ad in a paper outlining your position. Follow up sites for older people. You will find some creeps, as you call them, but I can’t believe you won’t also meet someone who is desperate to find someone like you, drawbacks notwithstanding.
I want to cut down on pills
QI’m trying to give up a tranquilliser I’ve been on for years. I’ve got down to one capsule a day but I’m finding it difficult to cut down further, because I can’t cut it in half. I’m sure I could succeed if I could only taper the dose more gradually. G Sanders, by email
AA pill-cutter from Boots does the job on ordinary pills but capsules are different because they’re usually full of small grains of medication. However, you can order empty gel capsules on the internet, and then all you do is unscrew your original capsule, divide the contents in half, and pour them into two gel capsules. Alternatively (after checking with your GP), try dropping a capsule every other day, then every two days and so on. Good luck!
Sex can be good again
QYou had a letter from a woman who was upset because her husband wanted sex and she didn’t (December issue). Why didn’t you suggest lubrication – which you can buy from any chemist – or topical hormone cream from the doctor? It works wonders for me and my husband. Name and address supplied
AThe woman who wrote in had tried ‘everything’ including extra oestrogen, and it hadn’t worked. Old age, despite promises of ‘new knees’ and ‘new hips’, is a condition for which there is often no medical solution. It’s never going to be quite the same and usually there are some drawbacks. Similarly, sexual desire and skin elasticity are by no means always things that can be restored to their youthful condition.
To see or not to see…
QMy mother loves the theatre and the old favourites – Chekhov, Ibsen, Shakespeare. But not only is the West End cripplingly expensive and difficult for her to get to, but also these dramas are often over-directed and set in concentration camps etc. My mother doesn’t want to see Hamlet set in a dystopian, post-nuclear bombsite. Why can’t directors let the classics be?
Anthony Vickers, by email
ADirectors, like curators, have got tremendously puffed up these days, and imagine they’re more important than the actual script. I’ve trawled the internet for DVDS of old productions, featuring the likes of Lawrence Olivier and Michael Redgrave. Particularly brilliant is an ill-lit, blackand-white DVD of Uncle Vanya, filmed at the Chichester Theatre in 1962. It’s cheap and, even better, you can watch it in your dressing gown. Perfection!