Rant: Family gatherings

Family gatherings Is there any form of social torture more fraught and liable to end in tears than the big family gathering?

In theory, it seems such a good idea. A significant occasion – Easter ( just gone for another year, thank heavens), Christmas, an anniversary, milestone birthday – is looming. So what better than to assemble all the clan from far and near for a jolly old time?

Yet in practice, getting together a motley group of relatives is usually little more than a foretaste of hell. Alcohol is essential to get the party going, of course, but as everybody gets progressively drunker, ancient hurts and slights and hatchets you thought were long buried rise to the surface, having gained in intensity over the years.

That cousin you somehow offended decades ago cuts you dead and the sisters who had a major bust-up in 1972 are still not on speakers.

And hey, what’s that strange smell? Ah, the knot of teenagers who have turned up under duress and are wearing manky old jeans in protest have been smoking skunk. Let’s hope Auntie Elsie doesn’t get a whiff of it.

Your celebrity relative, the once-glamorous tennis champion, is now in a wheelchair accompanied by her attractive young carer. Oh no, the uncle with the roving eye is roving it in the direction of the carer.

Couples you thought were happily married are now divorced and arrive with their new partners, who were definitely not invited. Long-time bachelor Gordon has married at last and proudly presents his Thai bride. You worry that she is just after his money. In this way, new gossip channels open up; new family feuds form. Plus there is, inevitably, a crop of screaming babies and tantrumming toddlers to add to the gaiety. The catering doesn’t work because half the guests are vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free or dairy-free.

Then, oh Gawd! Somebody has spilt red wine down your designer dress and all you can do is go to the bathroom, vainly try to soak out the stain and vow: never again. LIZ HODGKINSON