Ask Virginia Ironside
Longevity is not enough
QI have a very old friend who I was at school with. But the problem started after his retirement when his personality started to undergo a transformation. He criticised me for not attending his mother’s funeral – a bolt from the blue because this had been two years before. Then he made various digs about me in front of friends. The last straw was when I rang him to suggest a drink and he was really abrupt, saying, ‘If you’ve got any problems, I’m not interested; I’ve got enough problems.’ We have not spoken since and I no longer have any desire to build bridges even though we go back 50 years. But I’m starting to wonder whether I was too brutal. Andrew G, Glasgow
AThere comes a time, I hate to say it, when one has to reassess one’s old friends. Most old friendships exist only because of their longevity – were you to meet these people as strangers now, out of the blue, you wouldn’t necessarily hit it off at all. But longevity won’t really do on its own. There has to a bit of love and kindness behind that – and without the warm feelings, there’s not much to glue you together except memories. You’re quite right to shun this friend. Go out and make some new friends – like-minded people, preferably younger than you, with warm personalities!
No place for rudeness
QI was recently on a bus with a male friend of 85. I was sitting down and a young man got up and offered my friend his seat. My friend, rather abruptly, refused. I
suppose it was a blow to his pride but I felt very upset at his behaviour. I smiled and said thank you to the person who’d offered but my man friend just can’t understand why I’m upset. How can I explain it to him? Frances B by email
AHis behaviour is incredibly rude. If someone offers to help you, it is uncouth and graceless to turn them down, at least not without a full explanation and a lot of gratitude. Even ‘You are so kind and normally I’d accept but I’m getting out at the next stop’ is better than refusal. Explain to your friend that by his rebuttal he’s nipped this young man’s burgeoning politeness in the bud. I wonder if he’ll ever risk offering his seat again, for fear of being rebuffed. Explain that by accepting graciously he’s teaching this young man a lesson in good manners. He’s helping to make the wheels of society run amiably and smoothly. And explain that to be seen in public with a man who behaves like this is rather like being with someone who picks his nose in public, examines the pickings and then wipes his fingers on his trousers. It’s not on.
Kindness is king
QMy goddaughter came to me with a dilemma recently. She has two suitors, both of whom she is very fond of, but she doesn’t know which to pick as she says she can’t go out with both of them at once. I was at a loss as to what to say. What’s your advice, Virginia? Mary by email
AThere is only one answer, and that’s to quote Henry James. He said, ‘Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the
second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.’ She should pick the kinder.
Outstaying their welcome
QI have two separate friends whose handicap is not knowing when to leave. They overstay by two or three hours and I dare not say, ‘Excuse me, I have to eat dinner,’ for fear that they will take it as an invitation. How can I get rid of them without being cruel? Excuse me, by the way, for not doing email. I refuse to be a slave to my computer. Barbie, address supplied
AYou could give them their arrival and leaving times in your initial invitation, saying that you yourself have to leave because you’re going out to dinner. I’ve on one occasion actually got changed, put on my make-up and left the house along with such recalcitrant guests to keep up the charade. Only when I’ve dropped them off at their bus stop or tube station can I return and crawl into my jimjams. Or you can invent an important phone call. Or just say, ‘I’m sorry, I hope you won’t think I’m rude, but I have so much to do this evening we’ll have to continue this another time.’
By the way, I have a reader who says she refuses to do email. How can I tell her that it’s extremely annoying in this day and age, without being cruel?
Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk – I will answer every email that comes in; and let me know if you would like your dilemma to be confidential.
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