Rant: Travel alerts

Travel alerts Welcome to Oh-what-fun Sleigh Tours, ladies and gentlemen.

I would ask you, at this time, to see that your seat belts are fastened securely. This is an open sleigh, and in the unlikely event of excessive tilting when we’re taking a corner, there is a chance that you could be thrown overboard. Or it may be necessary for the driver to swerve suddenly to avoid wassailers or some disorientated merry gentleman wandering out of the woods.

If you are actually thrown overboard there is no cause for alarm; our customerrelations officer Colin will be following us on his quad bike and it will be easy for him to find you in the snow as you have all been issued with hi-vis jackets.

For safety reasons, we will be proceeding at a more leisurely pace for the first part of our journey, but our driver Ken expects to reach dashing speeds when we reach the open fields.

Although our website states that we will be jingling all the way, you are requested to show some restraint. This is a one-horse vehicle and, without the reassuring presence of a second horse, Blackie can sometimes become nervous when subjected to persistent ringing sounds. We therefore ask you to show consideration and to stick to sporadic jingling. Please do not allow children to play with the jingling mechanism.

When through the fields we go, you are, of course, encouraged to laugh all the way. This is very much the fun part of our journey. Those of you in rows A to C, at the front of the sleigh, are requested to chuckle or chortle, as anything too raucous distracts our driver Ken.

In a very few minutes we will be setting off. One moment, please – I am getting a message on my walkie-talkie. Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that snowfall is expected imminently.

Obviously, it will be impossible to dash through the snow if visibility is impaired by a blizzard. Therefore I must ask you, at this time, to de-sleigh. OLIVER PRITCHETT