Ask Virginia Ironside

Don’t smooth the wrinkles Q

I got divorced recently and had a big celebratory birthday party. It was a great feeling being single again – I’m 60 – and free of a really unpleasant marriage. My friends were absolutely lovely, but the day was rather spoilt by a present from a group of close friends. It was a voucher for plastic surgery to have the bags under my eyes removed! I was shocked! I don’t think I have got bags under my eyes, and, anyway, even if I did, I wouldn’t want to spend all that money on my face. I accepted graciously but I just don’t know what to do now. I don’t want this operation and I need the money. But I don’t know whether my friends would mind if I put the voucher on ebay. What do you think? Name and address supplied

A

found some What present! friends, magical a double-edged saying Why cream not that, write for as sword your you’ve to your face of a recently, results, you which are is going having to sell startling the voucher and use the money instead to pay for something you really want – and then tell them what it is and thank them profusely for that. These friends can’t be very close to you if they really think that that’s what you might want as a present!

Mourning sickness Q

My friend’s partner died two years ago and he can’t stop feeling guilty that he was sometimes a bit ratty with her when they were married. He’s right – he was quite tetchy. But she loved him and I think on the whole it was a very happy marriage.

However, he torments himself day and night with regret and shame. I’ve told him again and again that this is just how they were and maybe she did in any case provoke it up to a point. But he won’t have it. How can I help him put his demons to rest?

A Dennis, Isle of Wight

A

I – doubt nor do if I he’ll think ever he wants believe to you believe you. This mulling over his past misdemeanours keeps him linked to his wife in a very intense and emotional way, and it would almost be cruel to jerk him out of it. If he wasn’t feeling guilty about this, it would be something else – that he hadn’t taken her a cup of tea every morning, or that he’d refused one day years ago to take a coat of hers to the cleaners. The torment is a kind of attachment and keeps the relationship alive. For many bereaved people, any torment, and even shame, is better than the real agony and horror of truly acknowledging real loss.

Tips for a happy divorce Q

I separated from my wife of 34 years some three years ago and the divorce has just come through. Apart from some terse emails and one telephone conversation earlier this year – which was better than expected – I have had no contact with her. I am due to attend a wedding soon and I know she’ll be there, as well as a load of mutual friends and our son. How should I address her in a crowded room? I am now living much more happily with my partner – who won’t be there, by the way. I am sure there will be lingering resentment on my ex-wife’s side and conflicting emotions, but I would like to make some form of civilised rapprochement – because obviously we’ll bump into each other in the future – and this would seem a suitable occasion. She has an artistic nature and a tendency to dramatise and make scenes. Harry by email

A

Could you drop her a line first and say that you hope you’ll be able to say hello to each other at this coming event? Talk soothingly about a long time having passed and ‘water under the bridge’ and making things easier for the children; say you often think of her and hope everything is OK with her and so on. Otherwise, be sure to go up to her and give her a smile and a wave. If you’re rebuffed, then tough. You will still occupy the higher moral ground.

A corny story Q

I have someone working for me who’s been with me for years, but now her feet are very painful. I suggested she go to her doctor and he told her she has very bad corns. But she can’t get them treated on the National Health. I can hardly believe this. As it is, I have paid for her to go to a private chiropodist, but can this be true?

Charles Goodwin, Hampshire

A

I’m afraid so. She could possibly get an appointment to see a chiropodist if she is seriously lame or her foot is infected, but otherwise she has either to sort them out herself or to pay. It seems unfair; I know myself how agonising and crippling corns can be.

Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk – I will answer every email that comes in; and let me know if you would like your dilemma to be confidential.