Ask Virginia Ironside
virginia ironside
Don’t torment yourself
QThe man who lost his wife and is now consumed with regrets has my sympathy. At 77 I’m consumed with sadness about the uselessness of my life. All my memories are of cringemaking mistakes. Did I ever do anything worthwhile other than marrying my wife of 55 years? Why does the human memory seem to focus on the bad stuff? I sometimes wake during the night with a regretful incident on my mind and cannot go back to sleep. If asked, ‘What would you change about your life?’, I would say, ‘Everything [except my marriage, that is.]’ I’m sure I cannot be alone in my negativity. How do people shake it off and just get on with the present? The past is gone and no longer important except that it preys on my mind. E G by email
AMy only tip is to print out a copy of Goya’s horrifying The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters and accompany it with a note to yourself, saying something like ‘For God’s sake, it’s 3 in the morning, when everything looks ghastly. You’re not alone. All over the world, people are being tormented by such thoughts. They’re not real. You’re basically a good person. Now go back to sleep and look at everything afresh in the morning.’ Mad as it seems, I find the sympathetic tone of this can comfort me. (But obviously ask your doctor about medication for depression as well.)
Cuckoos in my uncle’s nest
QMy elderly uncle lives on his own; it’s difficult for me to visit often. The last time I looked in, I was horrified to find that he has befriended some very unsavoury young people who appear to have moved in and taken over. They are rude to him, dirty and, according to him, pay no rent. I have suggested calling the police, but he begs me not to: he says they are sometimes kind to him and make him cups of tea and it’s better than having no one at all.
Helena by email
AWhat a terrible position to find yourself in! Your uncle is a victim of a newish scam called ‘cuckooing’, whereby young drug-dealers or criminals befriend lonely old people in big houses and eventually squat there and take over, often becoming quite brutal and threatening. It’s not just gangs, either. One woman arrived at her grandmother’s to find a perfectly pleasant young Chinese woman ensconced in the kitchen: she had been living in the house for three months rent-free and was planning to bring her family over. The plan was evidently to persuade her grandmother to leave her the house in her will. Unless you can prove your uncle has lost his mind, there is little you can do except perhaps give him more time yourself. I’m afraid my sympathies are rather with him. If no one from my family cared enough about me to visit often, I think I’d prefer even the company of criminals to none at all.
Hell of noisy restaurants
QWe’ve been asked out to an anniversary dinner by my son. The problem is that we can’t hear in noisy restaurants and I know the one he’s going to book has a high ceiling and no carpets and it’s impossible to communicate. What can I do? Obviously it would upset him if we didn’t go.
Chris, Bishop’s Stortford
AIf it’s for your anniversary, then obviously you can ask if you can go somewhere quiet. But if it’s his, you’ll just have to sit it out, trying to lip-read and not to let anyone see you desperately looking at your watches under the table. No doubt when he was young, he had to sit through meals with grown-ups he couldn’t communicate with very well. Now it’s your turn. As it will be his, when his children ask him to noisy restaurants in the future.
Virginia’s crystal ball
QWhen I was very young, I went to a fortune-teller and I asked how long I’d live. I was told not to worry: I’d live until I was 73. Well, now a fit 72, I’m wondering how accurate the clairvoyant could have been. I obviously want to hear it was all tosh!
L Palmer, Bridlington
AI’ve been down that route, too. And yes, it was tosh. I’m sorry you are getting worried. It’s amazing how people with such little power to predict have such huge power to induce anxiety. However, I’m lucky enough to know a particularly good clairvoyant. Gypsy Rose Ironside is her name and she has uncanny talent for prediction (she foretold the results of both the referendum and the election). She tells me you are certain to live long beyond your 72 years and well into your eighties or nineties, or maybe even longer. Money back, she assures me, if you are not entirely satisfied.
Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk – I will answer every email that comes in; and let me know if you would like your dilemma to be confidential.