Ask Virginia Ironside
Avoid widow’s pique
Q There’s nothing helpful in your ‘To the barricades…!’ comment (Zoom and gloom, June issue), in answer to the widow who’s upset about not seeing anyone during lockdown because she’s old. What this miserable woman needs is to contact Age Concern or Silver Line. It seems she obliterated her sense of self in her marriage and became ‘wife of’ and ‘mother of’. She needs to be told that the world will not come to her door, especially if she’s a ‘pity me’ person. Au contraire, folk will stay away.
Life as an older widow is damned difficult – I know as I’m one myself – and the little-old-lady act doesn’t work. Yes, there will forever be bleak moments; they come with the territory. I am not a churchgoer but, even if she’s not, maybe she should pick herself up and go to a coffee morning or something. I reread her letter and it’s almost as pathetic as your answer. And tell her to think of the person her husband fell in love with and put what’s left of that to good use. Anonymous – and cross! A The problem with advice like yours is, in my experience, that it makes the sufferer feel worse. Some people are so depressed they can’t summon up the energy to fight. If you’ve never felt like that, it can be hard, I know, to feel sympathy. But believe me, I’ve been there. Being told that you’re not alone and that you’re part of a group of people who feel just the same can at least take the edge off the appalling loneliness and misery. My answer was designed to kindle some of the anger in her about the situation – anger that you, clearly, have found so helpful!
Third time very lucky
Q Widowed nine years ago (my second widowhood), I was resigned to a lonely (and sexless) old age at 75. I have plenty of loving friends, whom I appreciate wholeheartedly, but still…
A couple of years ago, a close friend introduced me to a lovely, long-divorced man. He has a good chum who pitches up regularly to stay with him, and the four of us got on really well, and had a series of great evenings. One night my girlfriend said, ‘I think he fancies you!’ Then, suddenly, the spark between us flared into a flame. Not much social distancing, I must say, but a wonderful love affair has developed. I am so happy. So is he, and we keep pinching ourselves and saying, ‘I can’t believe this is real!’
And, by the way, the bedroom department is marvellous. So, to all those who think suicidal thoughts, as I did for many years: don’t lose heart!
Deborah, Cumbria A I love to hear news like this! The lesson to be learnt from your life is, whatever happens, keep mobile – not so much physically, though that helps, but socially as well. You can’t find unless you look. And if one’s looking for love, although one may not be as lucky as you’ve been, one may well find the wonderful solace and love of friends instead which one may, because of one’s age, cherish and appreciate more than one ever did in the past.
Baby steps to better sight
QMy elderly father is driving me to distraction. He wears specs to read but his prescription is way out of date. I am sure he is close to losing his sight, because he needs everything in his house to be in a certain place and gets extremely agitated if the smallest thing is moved even a few centimetres. My sister and I continually nag him about having an eye test, but he refuses to do so, insisting, ‘They can’t do anything to help.’ His hearing is going too and he also refuses to have a hearing test ‘because I don’t want anyone fiddling around with my ears’. How can we persuade him that these things are sensible and for his own good? F Barker, Derbyshire A His fear is of change. This is why some people are terrified of getting married; applying for jobs at which they think they might fail; getting a mortgage.
Though it’s absolutely right to feel these anxieties about having a baby, say – that really is a life-changer, or should be – none of these others is. You can always get divorced; you might not even get the job you apply for and even then, if you were to be offered it, you needn’t take it; a mortgage can easily be shed by selling the house, giving back the money you owe and remaining fancy-free.
What you need to do is try to persuade your father simply to visit a hearing and sight specialist, insisting that if any improvement is offered, he doesn’t have to go along with it. He can refuse hearing aids or glasses. Just get the advice; see what they say. Surely there’s nothing frightening in that? Even if he were to get new glasses, say, he wouldn’t have to wear them. Sometimes, in baby steps, people can be persuaded this way.
Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk; I will answer every email – and let me know if you’d like your dilemma to be confidential.