Ask Virginia Ironside
Let’s talk about sex frankly
QPlease don’t print my name because my problem is too embarrassing. When I was young, I used to suffer from premature ejaculation. Slowly, and with the help of my loving wife, I got over this and we had a very good sex life. Now, at 73, I have a wonderful new female friend – but I have the opposite problem: I just can’t ejaculate. I’m too embarrassed to go to my doctor because I’m sure he’ll say I shouldn’t be having sex at my age. Can you think of anything that might help? Name and address supplied
AOf course your doctor won’t say anything of the kind. It’s quite normal for people of your age to be having sex (or not to be having sex!). And it’ll be even easier to talk if you’re having a consultation on Zoom and not face to face. This problem is very common with older men. It could of course be a physical problem caused by too much alcohol, diabetes (usually type 1) or surgery to the bladder. And if you’ve had prostate treatment, you might suffer something called retrograde ejaculation, but that shouldn’t bother you unless you want children. But if you’ve checked with your doctor and it’s nothing physical – for instance, if you can masturbate quite successfully – then it’s probably psychological and it could get help to see a sex therapist. Might loyalty to your first wife be, at a subconscious level, holding you back? It’s worth considering – and a therapist will be able to help you hugely.
My ex was a bully
QI have three children by a previous marriage and I know they had a difficult time as they were too young to understand that their father was a bully; they thought it was my fault he left. I’m now happily married again and, while my daughters get on well with me now, the youngest son, now 30, seems still to be furious with me. It seems whatever I do for him – give him money, take his family on holiday or look after the children – it’s never enough. What can I do?
Edwina S, by email
AYou’ve just got to accept that, for the moment, nothing is good enough for your son. If you can accept it and not feel hurt, your son will find his anger loses its power. He’ll be left with no one to take it out on and have to sit with it himself. I imagine you’ve tried to apologise for any shortcomings. And hope you’ve suggested some kind of family counselling. But beyond that, you can’t do anything. He’s happy to come on holiday with you. You can see his children. And he feels close enough to you to air his grievances. He’s connected to you still. If he really couldn’t stand you, then why would you still be seeing him and his family? He can stand you. It’s just that he feels better telling you that he can’t. You’re involved in an unspoken dance – you longing and craving, he pushing you away. Dispel the longing and you won’t get the unpleasantness. Try it.
Thumb sticks rule
QCan I contribute a new walkingstick idea? I agree it’s good not to get dependent on ordinary walking sticks, as they tend to make the user bend forward, which isn’t good for the spine. But I have found that using a thumb stick is excellent. Not only does it offer support; its height encourages you to walk upright and push your shoulders back so you can breathe deeply – and it’s also a very good weapon against any marauders who might come visiting. Patricia J, Huntingdon
AVery good idea! It has the added benefit of making you look not like a frail old duck but, rather, like a daunting prophet from the Old Testament, ready to breathe fire and brimstone over all comers.
Should we go Down Under?
QMy grandson – whom we adore – is working in Australia before, we hope, going to university here next year. My husband and I have always longed to visit Australia and have suggested we visit him next summer – when presumably all this virus stuff will be over. But we’re very hurt because he doesn’t seem keen. We’d be staying only a week near him – and the rest of the time we’d be travelling about. Should we just go anyway?
Name and address supplied
AGo if you must, but keep the timing of your visit open. Don’t suggest meeting until you’re actually there. Then it won’t be such a big thing. A week would be too long anyway; one night is the maximum. Make it casual. Otherwise he’s got the whole onus of your visiting Australia – a big deal for grandparents, however full of beans you feel – on his shoulders. How can he know what he’s going to be doing next summer? He might be planning to travel around before coming home. Don’t pin him down. If you want to go, go. But don’t make seeing your grandson your main motive.
Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk; I will answer every email – and let me know if you’d like your dilemma to be confidential.