Ask Virginia Ironside

The forgotten oldie army Q

Sorry to be bothering you but can we start OLD LIVES MATTER please?! At advanced ages, my husband and I feel forgotten! Anni Edwards, by email

A

The truth is, of course, that, whatever concerned noises we may make, young lives do always matter a bit more than old lives. ’Twas ever thus and that’s how it should be. You’ve had a life. Don’t be greedy. But if you want to draw attention to yourselves, then it’s up to you. Dance a polka down your local high street. Wear pearly king and queen outfits. Start a charity. Make a difference. And resolve never to set the tone by saying, ‘Sorry to be bothering you’ – as you just have, to me – again.

Q

My husband and I have agreed to have a ‘civilised’ chat about our relationship. Easier said than done because one or other of us nearly always loses it and it can get quite physically unpleasant. Is there any way you can suggest we can both control our tempers? Name and address supplied

A

Marriage counselling exists precisely to give both partners a safe space to talk. No one’s likely to throw punches in front of a third party. If you have a mutual friend you could trust to keep the peace, that would do just as well. And less pricey. You could always try discussing the problem on the phone, giving each other a set amount of time – like two minutes – to speak, but you’d each have to guarantee that you wouldn’t put the phone down. I’ve always found the best time to broach tricky subjects is on a car journey, preferably on a motorway. You’re both strapped into your seat and not looking each other in the eye. And it’s in both of your interests, since presumably neither of you wants to die, to keep fisticuffs out of it.

Late husband’s last laugh Q

It was a standing joke in our family that if I went too far – driving him mad by nagging or otherwise – my husband would threaten to buy a pair of red trousers, a thing I abhor. We always ended up laughing. And he never bought the trousers.

The one other threat he never carried out was, in the unlikely event that he ever be asked on to Desert Island Discs, to choose My Way as his favourite song. Sometimes he’d just start singing the first line to tease me – it was another family joke.

However, now he has died, I find that he’s put in a request for My Way to be played at his funeral. My children, not having been in on the joke, don’t understand and say I should forget it – but I just can’t. I think I’d just collapse with grief. Any ideas? J G, Sussex

A

Your husband only meant it as a joke. He would have hated you to be upset. I’m sure he stipulated this to cheer you up, rather than cast you down. But, if you can’t face just cutting it out, why don’t you play the Sid Vicious version? That way, you’d be continuing the banter, scoring over him as it were, and perhaps the laughter would overcome at least some of the tears.

My Covid-phobic wife Q

My wife has always been obsessive about cleanliness, but the last few months have turned me into someone whose life is dominated by it. If I go outside, I have to change all my clothes when I get in. She refuses to touch the groceries from the supermarket for three days, during which they have to be stored outside. After that, all of them – even the vegetables – have to be cleaned in soapy water. She wears plastic gloves and has now taken to wearing her mask inside the house even when watching television. I find this is getting unbearable: she refused to let our daughter come inside the house even when it was allowed. I love her, but my life is becoming intolerable.

Name and address supplied

A

Unless your wife admits she has a completely irrational phobia, and that she must get help, there’s very little you can do. You will either have to leave or accept that this phobia is like an incurable disease, like dementia. In that case, you should start to insist that you eat separately, with food that’s uncontaminated by detergent, and perhaps try to make some rooms obsession-free so that it’s her life that gets narrower rather than yours. If a sensible word of advice from the doctor would make a difference, then try to insist that she go – her condition may be some kind of dementia treatable with medication. Otherwise you’ll just have to accept that your wife is no longer the person you married.