virginia ironside
Our dinner party nerves
Q My wife and I have been invited to an indoor dinner party with around 15 guests. We are concerned about catching COVID, but would go if we knew everyone had had a negative lateral-flow test first. Our hosts have made no such request with the invitation and we wonder how to approach them about our concerns. If they say they are not prepared to ask their guests to self-test, we will decline the invitation – but we do not wish to fall out with our hosts. When we entertain indoors, we always ask our friends to test first and never have a problem, only comments that they will test but wouldn’t have done so otherwise. How do you suggest we deal with our dilemma? C Sanderson, Isle of Wight
A As one who caught COVID after a lunch party before which no one was asked to be tested (we all went down like flies), and who spent a good six weeks recovering from a particularly horrible dose, I would still find it an imposition these days to be asked to test. I realise it’s a childish reaction in some ways but, being old and ready to go anyway, I prefer to take my chances. In your case, however, I absolutely understand where you’re coming from and would suggest that you simply write and say that you’d love to come but that, silly as it may sound to them, you’re still frightened of going anywhere indoors where others are untested, so reluctantly you’ll have to refuse the invitation. End on a cheery note, perhaps asking them for a meal and adding ‘as long as you’ve tested negative, of course!’ at the end. Your meaning will be perfectly clear. And if they don’t issue the edict to be tested to all their friends, don’t think it means they don’t value your friendship. It’s just that on this particular issue your opinions differ.
Mum’s alarm anxiety
Q My mother is adamant that she won’t wear an alarm round her neck, even though I’ve begged her to – if only to put my mind at rest. She says she doesn’t want to be monitored all day and however much I explain that she won’t be, she’s paranoid. She says it would make her feel as if she were living in a totalitarian state. Not only that – she says she doesn’t want to wear an ugly pendant making clear that she’s ‘vulnerable’. How can we persuade her, when emotional blackmail has failed? Bruce G, Rochester, Kent
A Some older people are happy to wear the alternative – a smaller, lighter button the size of a wristwatch, worn on a soft fabric wristband. It is light enough to forget about and, with the button turned to the inside of the wrist, it suggests that she’s been to some incredibly exclusive, ubercool rock festival rather than being a doddery old crock. You can reassure her that the device only works within a certain range. It is no good if you fall over at the end of your garden.
Lover comes back to me
Q I am in my seventies and had reached a point in life where I never expected to have another relationship. However, fate conspired to bring me together with a lovely woman, not much younger than me, whom I first met 40 years ago but had lost touch with. Now we are in a wonderful relationship … but I don’t know how to describe her to friends and members of the family. ‘Girlfriend’ seems completely inappropriate – and ‘partner’ doesn’t sound right to us either. Do you have any brilliant suggestions? BK, London W4
A I am often asked this question, and I really don’t know why it’s so important to have a special term for a new relationship when you’re older. You only have to say, ‘And may I introduce my friend, blah,’ and everyone with a smidgeon of sensitivity will understand what you mean. If you say, ‘And may I introduce my new friend, blah,’ it’ll be even clearer. Just the way you look at each other, stand together or engage in conversation with each other, will speak volumes – and I think you underestimate how much everyone around you picks up, just from your demeanour and body language. If you really want to drive the point home, put your arm round her while you’re introducing her. Terms like ‘other half’, ‘new squeeze’, ‘special friend’ or ‘girlfriend’ could be really embarrassing at our age. Having said that, I’m delighted you’ve found someone at this age! Sometimes the gods of romance leave the best till last.
Please email me your problems at problempage@theoldie.co.uk; I will answer every email – and let me know if you’d like your dilemma to be confidential.