The lowdown on lockdown

So now we all know how we are going to get out of lockdown... or perhaps we don’t. We were all clear after Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s Sunday night special – clear that we were baffled.

I’m so confused I’m not even sure if Brexit happened or not.

However, I have made some inquiries and can now reveal how Peterborough will come out of lockdown.

Firstly, and never mind this stupid virus, the burning issue in this city (and always will be) is cycling in Bridge Street.

The city council has confirmed that cycling remains banned in Bridge Street except when it isn’t (on Sundays and between 6pm and 9am). The Government could learn something from Peterborough City Council when it comes to sending out clear messages.

But in an easing of lockdown measures, the riding of a unicycle along Bridge Street will be allowed.

Unicyclists are warned that if they fall off they must do so at least two metres away from any pedestrians... especially if the passers-by are their mum or dad.

City council meetings will not resume in person at the town hall as councillors are using the Zoom app for virtual meetings.

Council leader John Holdich revealed that members had received ‘excellent training’ on how to use Zoom, although my five-year-old was disappointed he wasn’t awarded the contract to deliver the training.

Lab rats, sorry reception year children, will return to school, where they will be taught how to play Tig while social distancing. Everyone’s a winner!

Matt Hancock, the newly appointed Secretary Of State for Carrying The Can, will pay an official visit to the annual reunion of former Thomas Cook staff to explain why foreign holidays are banned.

I’m not bothered though, I’m staying home.