Put yourself first after a break-up

They say that April is the cruellest month, but I found October to be pretty miserable. 2020 caught up with me eventually. I lost a friend and that seemed to put the tin lid on it.

In a year of so much death, I noticed that a lot of my clients were suffering from a different kind of grief, the loss of a relationship. It’s not equitable, it’s not the same and I want to make that clear. When a relationship disappears, unless you have kids, it’s all about you.

When I was a young man, a relationship I was in broke up and I carried that loss around with me for years, wearing it like a wreath around my droopy shoulders. I would tell anyone who would listen that her parents put an end to us because of religion (weird but true) and how she couldn’t stand up to them (less weird but again, true) and how heartbroken we both were (not quite true. I was a lot, her a little bit. I’m not sure it’s even possible to be a little bit heartbroken you probably are or aren’t. Vis a vis, she wasn’t). I would tell people how I had seen her years later and she had said that if she could do it all again, we would still be together (I’m 80% certain this conversation happened, memories are weird).

I felt a loss because I had mapped out a future for us in my mind, so when it didn’t work out, it was like the future had been taken from me. I was lost in space and top to toe in self-pity. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances of a break-up are or if you feel embarrassed - if it hurts, it hurts. Thankfully,

I couldn’t care less nowadays.

I let this pain define me for ages and although I still led a happy life, it lingered like a patch of damp on the bedroom wall. I was like Victoria mourning Albert, except I didn’t mooch about on the Isle of Wight wearing a black dress. It informed my future relationships; it took me years to accept that there was no way back.

A lot of my clients come to me because they’re struggling to come to terms with a relationship break-up. They need help to escape from the maze. I know now that it’s mostly about gaining perspective, understanding that we are not the hero of another person’s story. Our self-confidence needs rebuilding after being told we are not good enough. Add in enforced isolation, raging disease and everything feels much worse.

I should have gotten some help all of those years ago, but I styled myself as a tragic hero. I let the rejection define me until one day, someone said something to me and everything changed. A few words turned my world around for ever.

Sometimes, it’s that simple. All that sadness gone in a puff of smoke.

I suppose I was finally ready to listen.

PHOTO BY SHUTTERSTOCK