He had his pie, now he’s had his chips

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who gives you a mouthful

Ifelt sorrow for rolo-polo goalie Wayne Shaw earlier this week. He's the hefty substitute custodian for Sutton United what ate a pie on the telly during Monday’s FA Cup tie with Arsenal. It all seemed like a bit of armless fun at the time but next morning it was not armless anymore because it had growed arms. And legs.

It turns out Sutton’s sponsor was offering 8-1 on Shaw eating a pie on TV, and that the pie was laid out especially for him. Football and gambling don't mix, these days; so poor old Wayne has shot himself in the sword and had to fall on his foot.

I recall when I was at Brechin we was sticking Alloa at Glebe Street, and the bookies took several unusually large bets that I would get my marching orders in the second half. The beaks was notified and they watched the game with compound interest to see if old Kenny was playing with a stray bat.

Of course I never knew nothing about no bets and thankfully I proved my incontinence by not getting sent off in the second half. I chinned their left back early doors and got sent off in the third minute. and is the destination de choix of only the true insider – but The Horn Restaurant and Milkbar is at the very cutting edge of modern cuisine, its rooftop Friesian simulacrum luring customers in off the A90 like an ungulate Siren. “Magnificent!" I cried, much to the surprise of everyone else in Waterstones, and, deciding I could not go another day without again savouring The Horn's extraordinary fare, I leaped into my jalopy and took off. I screeched to a halt and fairly sprinted into the restaurant. “A bacon roll!" I demanded of the adolescent server. And then it happened. She opened up the be-margarined bap before her, and forced in not one, not two, but three tongsfull of brittle bacon scraps.