Maybe the only difference between Wally and Kylie is that one uses sunscreen

“In the human species, for example, you can get women half a century old who look as if they have just left school. I really mean one woman. Heck, she must be using a lot of sunscreen. Kylie Minogue is two score years and 10 and still looks as if she should be wearing the yellow braid round her blazer, as worn by every Nicolson Institute prefect.

He was ugly. Folds of fat, beady eyes and a prickly beard that even put Brian Blessed’s effort in the shade. Looking as if he would tip the scales at least around the ton mark, he did not seem bothered by anything. He just wanted to loll about on the beach and then would pop into the briny to cool off anytime he fancied. Sometimes he would go for a proper dip, swim out and just let the tide take him well out to sea.

No, not David Walliams swimming the English Channel. This is Wally, the Arctic walrus that turned up on various shores around the north of Scotland over the last few months after being blown south by the Beast from the East. Poor Wally must have been very disorientated and confused and has been island-hopping in the hope of meeting friends. I say he because Wally is probably male, going by his size and how long he is in the tooth, I mean tusk. However, let’s not be sexist. Facial growth proves nothing.

Wally was first spotted back in March, up in Orkney. He was then seen at various beaches and inlets on the north coast. However, just as happens to so many island visitors, CalMac was fully-booked so he had to cross the Minch by himself. At the beginning of May, he turned up on Harris. Then Wally was spotted on Thursday last week in Wick. He looked done in and wasn’t bothered about the crowd who had gathered to watch him as he nestled in the pebbles on the beach and promptly had a kip.

After his norrag, Wally was off again and no hide or hair – okay, pelt – has been seen of him since Friday. Maybe he has now got his bearings and is wiggle-wiggling back north towards the Arctic Circle. I hope so because that is where he will meet his own kind and not be lonely. You see, he may look rather old and wrinkled but Wally is probably just 15 to 20 years old. You see what happens when you don’t use sunscreen?

Or maybe it’s because he is a male. In the human species, for example, you can get women half a century old who look as if they have just left school. I really mean one woman. Heck, she must be using a lot of sunscreen. Kylie Minogue is two score years and 10 and still looks as if she should be wearing the yellow braid round her blazer, as worn by every Nicolson Institute prefect. How does she do it? I have been investigating.

First of all, Kylie does not diet. She does usually go for low-GI foods but she doesn’t go to the gym and does not even go for long walks round Stornoway castle grounds of an evening. Her only secret to looking good, according to herself, is that she wears sunscreen. Hoi, I just said that as a joke earlier. She says that even if it is cloudy she slaps the old Ambre Solaire on her mush. But that is what Aussies do because they are so used to slapping it on, anyway. Heck, is it too late? Do they do factor 500?

Which reminds me – have you got old sun tan lotion, as we used to call it, at the back of the bathroom cabinet? These products are only good for about 18 months after opening. They can damage your skin after that. Spend your money, you old skinflints. Be more Kylie.

If you do see Wally, do not go near him. Yes, I know that in Lewis Carroll’s poem The Walrus and the Carpenter they had a chinwag but a man in China was killed two years ago after sidling up for a selfie with one who looked a bit Esther Rantzen. If only there had been a chippy in the Caithness crowd, it would have been so poetic. “The Walrus and the Carpenter, walked on a mile or so, and then they rested on a rock, conveniently low: And all the little Oysters stood, and waited in a row.”

It would be nice if Wally did find a love interest, though. Who knows, it could happen. You can just see them now, can’t you. A walrus can make a sound not unlike someone singing. They could frolic in the waves for hours then find a shore, like in Wick or in Harris, and he could sing her romantic songs. Aw. With those tusks, his pronunciation is not so good but maybe he could do a Whitney Houston song. I can hear it now: “I will walrus love you... ”

A vision: Kylie at 50