Nae surprise if Nicola forgot meeting – I canna even mind fit I did on Tuesday

I da ken aboot youse but I’ve nae been following ivery word o this wik’s stooshie involving Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmond.

I mean, the papers seem tae be getting affa excited aboot it, but I reckon at’s jist cos it’s something different tae spik aboot fae the pandemic. It seems tae be a’ aboot whether she minded some meeting or ither and if fitiver she did or didnae dae wis against a ministerial code. I hiv watched the news. And nae just the normal, easy, een, wi’ Sally Magnuson. I’ve even watched the hard een wi’ Krishnan Guru-Murthy. And I am naen the wiser.

I ken they’ve pit it a’ on YouTube but I’m nae aboot tae watch a’ eight hours of testimony. I am bored sitting aboot at hame but I’m nae sae bored as a’ that.

Did Nicola genuinely forget aboot some meeting or did she mislead parliament? Well, fa kens? I div ken that she diz a lot mair in a typical wik than me, so if she forgets the occasional meeting I’m nae surprised. I mean, I dinna dae nithin at a’ and I canna mind fit I did on Tuesday.

My pal Big Sonya says she canna be daein wi’ the hale thing either. She’s nae a fan o’ fit she cries “a’ yon spikkin” and wints the hale thing tae be settled wi’ a WWE-style smackdoon atween Nicola and big Alex. That might nae get tae the bottom o’ it, but wid mak for mair exciting telly.

Onywye, the ither big story this wik wiz the latest Budget. Noo, some folk is surprised tae hear that I pay close attention tae macro economics, but the Budget is ayewiz an important thing in the Souter hoosehold. Cos although I hinna paid ony tax, iver, I div like tae ken fit finely balanced fiscal decisions the chancellor has made, and foo they will affect the price of booze and fags.

By a close analysis o’ the details, I mean reading the 10-point “fit diz it mean for me” summary in the paper, booze will be unaffected and fags gings up by inflation plus 2%. Good news, since it means I winna hae tae pit up the kids’ pocket money.

RON CLUNY, COUNCIL SPOKESMAN

As a local authority spin doctor, my most interesting days involve managing the messaging around the more outre suggestions proposed by our civic representatives.

So imagine my delight when, over breakfast, I read in my morning paper that the provost had declared that we could boost tourism via a celebration of the most famous Aberdonian of them all – not Annie Lennox, Denis Law, or even Lord Byron, but Scotty from Star Trek. Tea splootered, buttery crumbs awye. That, it has to be said, represented a challenge, but here goes.

This was remarkably astute thinking from Barney. It makes perfect sense to honour Scotty’s hypothetical life, given that we’ve all been living hypothetical lives for the past year.

The usual naysayers and philistines suggest that this is just more evidence that our elected representatives are living in the realms of fantasy.

But the provost has highlighted that just like Scotty, Aberdonians are the folk who go to the difficult places and do the difficult jobs – and who better exemplifies that than Barney himself? Our very own chief engineer, hunkered down in the engine room of local politics, fighting to keep the whole enterprise intact against the disrupter rays of his opponents and the deteriorating dilithium of his allies and occasionally crying “the engines canna tak it”.

Of course, the usual moaners will try to rubbish this as a desperate tactic, and sneer at the idea that a fictional character portrayed by a Canadian of Irish descent is the best Aberdeen can do in terms of famous sons. But the alternative, after all, would be to let Linlithgow claim him instead.

This must not be allowed, partly because Linlithgow’s claim is not “canon”, partly because they’ve already got Mary Queen of Scots, Alex Salmond and John West tuna, but mainly because we’re not about to lose a tourism connection contest to Linlithgow.

Our claim to our not-yet-born son is indisputable – in one episode Scotty referred to himself as an “Old Aberdeen pub-crawler”.

And what could be a more inspiring message in these troubled times than the idea that in the future we will still be able to go to the Machar Bar?

She wints a WWE-style smackdoon a tween Nicola and big Alex

ONE OF OUR OWN: Scotty, redoubtable engineer of the Starship Enterprise, is clearly the Starfleet’s equivalent of our own provost.